I would rather burn

Lavender & Arabella

The world burns.

Not just around me, but everywhere. The flames gets higher and the smoke gets thicker. It fills up my lungs, making it harder to breath. I still try to. I try to see the world around me, and the exit from all of this. The smoke makes my eyes water, it burns in my eyes and in my throath. I cough couple times and lose the focus of my eyes again, everything goes blurry and almost dark. 

While I fall to my knees, the ground is only thing that feels colder. Falling aches my knees and arms, but it's the smallest thing I'm worried right now.

I rise up again and try to run, only to try and cover my face from getting burnt by flames.

Fuck.

I was like locked in a cage made from flames. I hear someone screaming, far away from me. I hear how something crashes, and falls to the ground. Making a loud noise and get the dusk move around.

I cough more because of it and sguint my eyes while trying to see what it has been.

Seiling. Part of the seiling had fallen. Oh dear Lord. I look up when I hear some more scartching and manage to run away just seconds before the seiling drops off. I, of course, fall all over again. It hurts a lot more this time, makes my bones ache.

Someone craps my hand and starts to make me run with them. I don't see who they are, because I try to get the dust away from my eyes while running.

We enter through one door, and...wait. This is not a place where we should have ended up when going through that door. I fall down to my knees and start coughing. It hurts my lungs and throat now. The snow feels so cold on my knees and the frosty air feels like spikes inside my lungs. But thank all the Gods and odds in this world that it's air. Fresh air.

Now I see the man that had rescued me. I hate him. And not just for the fact that he had saved me. I didn't nees saving from *him* .

"I didn't need any help, just so you know. I had it under my control" 

He rolls his eyes while smirking. Asshole. And he doesn't even bother to answer me about that.

"Come or you'll freeze to death instead of burning from alive" he says and starts walking away.

That stupid selfish man who should learn some manners for God shake. 

I rise up and start walking behind him. I didn't have any shoes on, neither any socks. So he is correct on the freezing to death part if I just stay here.

"Where the fuck we are even going now? We are middle of the nowhere" I try and ask, coughing more after that. And he stays quiet. Again.

Do you understand now why I hate this man?

Traveling in my thoughts

Naseria

Needing the calmness that was already there, but never shown, is whole new and different kind of path to travel around. Specially when it shows it to you only at the night time, when you were supposed to be asleep, but you end up healing something that was left as broken in tiny sharp pieces like never before.

I stare at the roof while hearing how the clock keeps it's soft smooth sound. It does sound the same everytime I hear how the seconds runs to be turn into minutes, minutes rolling to be hours.

The sleepyness was there, but my mind kept on going on circles. Circles that were so uneven, small and big ones. From the past, present and some even for the future.

I ran my fingers through my scalp while closing my eyes. I see the thoughts now. Like memories that were turned into a movie or serie, now showing it all to me. Making me live those moments, in those thoughts. In something that could have happened, but never did or something that happened and now it repeats it to me until it makes me some sense at all.

Most of the time the thoughts doesn't make any sense at all to me, not even single tea spoon amount of sense. Well, how could they if my own way of functioning doesn't always quite make any sense at all to me. I still try to find that red line which could lead me to solve the mysteries, untangle the small knots that reminds me of how I used to tie my shoes before running so they wouldn't open while doing so. It was always impossible to get them open fastly after that, atleast I didn't fall because oh my shoe laces being open or too long.

That reminds me of the red running field that left my hands a bit red too when it was wet after the rain. How it did smell dusky and rubberish st the same time, but it was warm. How I would lay on it after running so fast that it made my whole body hurt, made the breathing harder and taste like blood in my mouth.

Oh and how that reminds me of the gray sky that was showing that day when I met my best friend for the first time.

It's funnt how the sky and natufe never adjust to the feelings we have inside us. It's nothing like in the movies. Because whenever I'm extremely happy, the weather and sky looks like it's about to cry. But when I'm about to cry or feel bad, the weather is so sunny, warm like soft blankets. Maybe nature shows us the best of it when we feel sad, because it's trying to cheer us up but it doesn't need to do that when we already feel good so it's kind of sleeping or something close to that?

Do people feel sadness at the same time in same level? Like ever? Or happiness, the same kind of happiness and as hard, at the same time? I don't think so.

I have no idea what kind of wedding I would like to have. That came my mind ehen I thought about limitless happiness. It's crazy how it's supposed to be your happiest day in your life but most people stress so much over it and all of the stuff including to that, which makes them not live in a present and after the wedding is over - their stress levels has made them forgot mostnof the stuff that happenes that day. I don't want that, so maybe I don't want to get married at all. Even thought I do like flowers, like I mean those ones you put on the tables. I love how people choose different ones and it shows a bit of their personality in the middle of all that white and glamorous. Maybe I would love go get married in a farm. It would be more casual I think. But I'm not sure how I would adjust for the smell.

I hate smells. Like those ones that I'm not used to. If someone buys new parfume, it gives me headaches for weeks until I might get used to it. It drives me crazy. Oh and the smell of other people in me. Oh God how much I hate that. I need to wash it all off as soon as possible or I feel like it gets tangled up yo my insides.

Ones someone told me that when you have surgeries, some veins just gets burnt to close. Not each of them can be re-connected after cutting. And I think it's kinda crazy too. And makes me think of the fact how much veins we do have and it makes me sick. It's basically like you would be filled up with worms but it's actually just you. And how your body can just easily create more veins? Like how?

I have never broken any of my bones but I do know that if you broke your bone, you might get these "ghost pains" in winter. Like it feels like it still hurts the same. I think it's because the bone is still sensitive and feels the cold too. Which is weird because you do have skin and muscles and stuff around it. But yet, your skeleton can feel cold?

I used to think that thoughts are like documents that needs to arranged inside our minds. I used to spend time in my own mind, cleaning the papers into shelves

I want to see you

 Manuel

I want something that feels real.

Not promises that weren't kept, not just words that people slip between their lips.

Something, that's not being smoothen out.

I want you to be and come as you are, I want you to see that I am like you too. I'm not whole, I'm broken. There are missing pieces all over me. This shattered mind that I would love to share with you while we sit in the rain after you have cried your eyes out because of the past.

Because in that moment, you are more real to me than in those moments where you share lies telling you are just fine or show the perfect little life all over the internet to other people so they might and could think you are perfect. Look you with the envy in their eyes, hoping that they could have even tiny bit of what you have. But they never could, am I right? Because you don't have any of that either. It's just a scratch on the surface.

Every scartch gets deeper once you keep touching it with knives or needles. The truth needs to be diggen out. 

You might share smiles, but what are the real stories behind them? What made you fake a smile so good that others thought it's a real?

I want what's behind all that.

I want all those nights when you cried to your pillow when you had a fight with your parents.

I want you with all the bruises and broken pieces in your soul and body, that others has left behind in you.

I want you when your heart feels too heavy and mind too blurry.

Bruises heal, bones heal. So you do. You can and you will heal.

The way the others has shattered you, has molded you into something different. Something whole new. And that's okay. You are okay. You are more than just fine. I want you with all that.

Even when you are angry and you throw things, like your phone or a glass on the wall. Even when you shout me in the face, atleast that's something that you would actually feel.

I want to see and feel the happiness and love with you again. See the happy tears in your eyes when you realize that you are not alone at all and things will be just alright.

I want to see and feel your happiness when you receive something you've been so excited to receive. Something you've wanted for so long that it felt just like a dream.

I want to be able to share the days when you feel relieved to be alive or the days when nothing actually feels like anything.

The sun still rises after all the chaos you've been through.

Because I want you to feel safe and wanted just like you are now. Not in a way you would have been, or you could be molded to.

I want you to feel all that, you are allowed to feel.

I'm here, because I've been traveling same kind of path with you. Just different struggles, demons and fights. Different things making me happy and feel loved.

I've been there too. So now I'm here for you just like I would have needed someone to be there for me once.

I want *you*.

Nothing smoothen out, nothing that is so called perfect. Nothing that society has been teaching for us.

I want you as you are.

And I'm here for you as I am.

Shattered, broken in pieces. But still somehow whole enough to be. And that's okay.

Because this way, I can start to feel more. I can finally find the peace.

The more cracks there are, more doors there are open for you my sweetheart.

Sometimes all we need is ourself.

But sometimes we need someone to hold our hand during the long path.

My morning, your night

Svajone

The wind touches softly my hair and cheeks. It's still warm, even thought it smells more like frosty mornings. The sun was just about to rise, and I came here already couple hours early to see it happen. I love the to see the sun rise and open up the new day to us. To see, to experience. It feels like the nature would wake us up softly with a hug.

The sun starts to paint colors to the world. Giving golden touches to the tops of trees, making the rivers shimmer. I hear birds starting to sing, how wind blows softly and waves the hay making it swish.

The world feels quiet this early, and only the nature knows that I have stayed wake all night to see this happen. See the world wake up and all the beautiful sounds start.

The autumn had moved from the colorful phase to this one where everything is more grey and dark. It feels somehow melancholic. I quess the world needs it's breaks too every now and then.

Mornings like this, calms my mind and clears it from all the possible mess that there could even exists. Same with rainy days...they feel like they would wash away my pain...

Make it make sense

Naseria

It doesn't make any sense. Not at all. Not when I check the details and calculate the outcome, it doens't make any sense. It feels unfair, it makes me feel so much anxiety that I can barely handle on to. It will make me lose sleep, because I will repeat it in my head until it actually makes any sense at all.

But it doesn't. Not even single bit at all in the end.

I still stare at my test which I got back from my teacher. I let my fingers go through my scalp while I stare it. I studied so hard, and I know I knew the answers. So how come I sit here staring failed test? It feels unfair that no one knows how hard I tried and still this happened. How many sleepless nights I have spend over thinking all this. It's just...I don't know. 

It feels like chaos had settled into my brain. It goes back on that failed thing and get's stuck in the small details of it. Repeats it inside my head where my brain feels like it's on fire.

I look through the car's window while Kauno drives it. He had to come and pick me up from school because I was still thinking that stuff so badly it got me anxious to even think about which bus I needed to get to be able to come home after all.

"Thanks. For coming to get me" I mumble to him and start picking skin on my lips.

"Yeah of course. Always. I would have come even if you wouldn't have felt upset because of that test. And hey, it's just a one test. I used to fuck up so many tests at school too" he tells me while grinning.

I roll my eyes. I know he means only good, but he doesn't understand it wasn't just a test...it's because -

"I don't understand what I did wrong in it. I studied so hard on it. It would have been okay if I wouldn't even had tried, but I actually tried reaaaaaallly hard on this one and still failed" I sighs.

Kauno stays quiet longer period of time now until he opens his mouth again.

"I understand that. I'm so sorry to hear that too" 

I nod, and don't say anything more at all. It does feel good tho that he apogolizes even thought I know it's not his fault or his job. Somehow it feels like universe apogolizes to me through him now. Idk, and I do know that it doesn't make sense to many at all. But yeah, I don't care if that makes sense to me now.

~~~

I still think about it while laying in bed at night. It feels like heavy thing would have landed on my chest. Like a box. Filled with questions and small marks of the details of what had happened. I try to sleep without results. 

I get up, drink water, go back to bed.

I get up again, go to the bathroom and back to bed.

I get up and go to sit on the sofa to watch series, and back to bed.

I get up again, walk around and get on the bed.

Until, I somehow come in peace with it. The clock is more near to the morning than night, but I finally manage to get some sleep after I have forgived myself over it too. 

 I tried and I failed, but atleast I even tried.

How brains works out

 

Naseria

I don't actually reconize my own feelings. I reconize those from others, but not when they are my own. And it's quite funny because, I usually reconize every feeling from others in like seconds?

I keep shaking my hands every now and then. I wouldn't have even noticed it if Kulta wouldn't have pointed it out to me one day and now I can't get it off from my head everytime I do that. I don't know why I even do that. Maybe I try to shake the feeling away? 

I breathe in and out, trying to focus on that rather than the fact that we are going for halloween party. There are going to be so many people that I don't know and even my ex best friend Veetu. He used to be my safe place, I would be so *me* while I was with him. I can nowadays be myself around Kulta too. He calms me and let's me show all of my emotions and thoughts, even thought we both know that some of my sayings are hurtful because I can't figure out better way to express them. So I just say the first thing that comes to my mind and we need to split it in different words to find out what I mean. I have no idea how he can handle that, and how I can handle the fact that I need to explain it atleast 10 times before getting it right. I need to get it right.

The truth is, he doesn't actually handle it that well. He usually keeps the first thing I said as the correct one, and keeps going back for that and asking "why did you said that at the first place if you didn't mean it that way?". I always try to stay calm, I know he doesn't do it on purpose. He just gets stuck in one thing for a while and keeps repeating that in his head over and over again.

I take my stuff, meaning that I take my bag. There is my phone, keys, charger, headphones and hair ties. And a lot of other stuff like lighter.

"Okay I'm ready to go" I say while walking to Kulta. I had oversize hoodie and pants, and only my face had paintings for Halloween. I didn't like the feeling of the makeup, it felt like a mask on my face so I probably wouldn't keep it all night. Kulta had this outfit from Scream. 

"Are you trying to give me mask kink? Because that's actually working" I smirk to him, and he starts to laugh. His laugh is not annoying one. It's not too loud or too high. It feels like blowing bubbles to the water, you know? He do have other noises tho that are fu*king annoying, and he does those on purpose to annoy me sometimes. I love him still, he is my bestie.

It takes a while before we arrive to the spot. The car ride felt like forever. You know that sound cars makes? The sound when you hear the wind from outside licking the car sides and it like humms? It always get me feeling sick, like I could vomit type of sick. And the smell of the car, I don't know how to descripe it at all but it makes me feel sick too and that I want to open the windows. I don't know if it would help for the noise too...making it different you know? Not so flat noise.

And it takes a while before it goes away when I gett off from the car. I need to shake my hands again too, but I can't since our friend group is already outside and they would think it's weird, so I just try to avoid looking at somewhere else until the feeling would be gettkng away. I stare the asfalt. My shoes. And then even the lights. I try to swallow the feeling away too. Not helping.

"Everyone else will be here in few hours. Should we get in?" Zaw asks, and helps us unpack our stuff.

 We are going to spend weekend at this cottage. The air is more fresh in here, and the cottage has this nice wood smell too. I like it. But I really need to get to bed and lay for a sec. 

"I'm not feeling so good because of the car. I will go and rest for a sec" and I hope this is one of those times when Kulta understands. Sometimes he doesn't and wants me to do stuff right away after we get off from cars. And then he questions if I'm alright because I don't feel like talking etc.

....

I lay on the bed now. The pillows are too flat but that's why I brought my own. It's still on the bag in the car, but I would get it by night. I have my headphones on and I scroll tiktok. It somehow helps me to calm down and even takes the sick feeling away more easily.

I do hear the others talking and having fun, and even thought it feels terrible to not be with yhem now - I know it's better for me to just be here alone for a moment. I need it. Specially when I have to spend the evening in a group. I always analyse everyone else around me,  their feelings and thoughts. It can be really burdensome, but I can't help it. It comes naturally. Same as that I try my best to notice everyone else and answer when they are talking, because I don't want them to feel left out.

"Heyyy, are you okay?" Kauno, my boyfriend, comes in the room and closes the door behind him. Yhank god he closes it, because the louder noise of others would have made me feel a bit exhausted again. I take the headphones off.

"Yeaah, just not feeling so good. It will go away but I need a sec" I tell him, and smile to confirm that I speak the truth. He comes to the bed with me, over me, and hugs me. I drop my phone away and hug him back. It feels good. Like one of those weighted blankets. It calms me super good. And calms all my nerves. It's really hard to descripe again, but yeah...it feels like everything will be okay. And it will, I do know it, because stuff usually have patterns that follows each other and there can't be just bad days.

"It's not about any of you, you know? When I just come in to this room and want to be alone. Or when I put my headphones on while you all are around"

 I used to keep them on all the time when we met. When I was with Veetu. He would say that I kept them on because I didn't want to listen to them but it's not truth. There wasn't any music playing.

"Naseria, we know. We know you and care about you. It's okay. And I know it's little bit because of us" he laughs. I'm about to cut him off and explain that it's not about them at all.

"Like dude, have you hear how loudly Zaw eats?" He keeps laughing. And I start to laugh too. Okay so he meant that. It was a joke. It's good sometimes that I'm not that fast at reacting to things or that I don't speak over all the time. I do that too a lot, and not in a purpose or anything!!

"Veetu and Manuel are not coming, but Haftka is coming with Douglas" he tells me too. And I'm just happy that it will be just our friendgroup. Even thought I don't really like Douglas but he makes Haftka happy so...

.......

We start by playing board games. I scroll my phone while listening the rules, because I can't focus on them even a bit if I don't do something else at the same time. And I learn the best when we just start playing the game.

We play that couple of times, I lose in each. And I lost my interest to it too a while ago. I scroll my phone again, and my ears just shut down. I don't follow up the convos. It's good actually, because I don't like to do that all the time. I go to this bubble of mine, where I don't reconize the world around me. Not the smells, noises or colors. It's like my way of settling my nerve system.

The evening goes on, I play games with others until I need to be alone and not to hear the TV all the time. So I say that I need to go change or charge my phone or something like that to get away from here without sounding rude. I see how Kauno glance me, he knows I think. Or does he think I'm still rude?

I go upstairs, to the room where I'm going to be sleeping. I put my phone to charger and go to wash my face. I need to do it twice. And after that I need to change my hoodie because the sleeves are wet. So are my socks. I don't have any idea how people wash their faces without getting their clothes wet??

Once I'm done with everything, I go to lay on the bed again. I scroll my phone and send message to Kauno even thought he is downstairs. 

- I'll go to sleep now. Night to you and others

He starts to write, I see those three dots, and then they disappear. I hear steps and Kauno comes to the room. Hug me again. 

"Do you want me to come and sleep with you too? Is everything alright?" He askes and kisses my cheek. I smile. I love when he does that.

"No need to. You can still be there, but when you come back, can you hug me before going yo sleep?" I ask him and let him hug me over the blankets at the moment. He nodds. I feel it.

"And you are sure?" He asks again. Making sure that I'm actually okay with it.

"Yesss, don't worry. I was at school today too, ofc I'm tired before you all" I laugh to him a bit. 

He smiles and gives one more kiss before leaving. He shuts the lights and closes the door. What a dream boyfriend haaaaa. 

........

Kauno comes in the room quietly and closes the door. He drops his clothes on the floor next to bed and comes next to me. He takes me to his hug. I wake up because of that. That's why I asked him to hug me when he comes to bed.

"Did you actually manage to brush your teeths?" I ask and regret that I didn't do that. It usually takes a lot from me to brush my teeths, I don't know the reason for that either like I don't know for the rest of the things I do. I blame my ADHD for it.

Kauno smiles. I see it from his cheeks even when it's dark. 

"How much the time is?" I ask and jawn.

"Too much. Like four am or so. Go back to sleep" he says to me and takes me closer.

.......

The mornings are worst. The worst enemy of mine. I can't get my eyes open.

"I will let this bed swallow me" I whine to Kauno, who gets clothes on. He laughs to me again.

"Really? And how do I explain that to others? Or to police?" He asks me, and I hear how he smiles, so I know how he is smiling, even thought I have blanket covering my face. 

"I don't care. I need atleast five for minutes"

"You said that 30minutes ago. Come and I will make coffee for you" he knows how to lure me.

"Fineeeeee" and when I get up, he is already downstairs. Making that coffee I hope so.

When I get to downstairs, I don't feel like talking to anyone this early. Anyone at all. I just sit quietly and follow up others talking. Kauno gives me everything, even breakfast. Looove that man, okay? I start with coffee and I could melt to this chair...

My, mine. Not yours.

 Naseria

I stare at the board while teacher tells us all the stuff we need to learn. I don't hear anything what she's saying at this point. I keep on playing with my earrings and think about the phone my teacher had took away.

I can't focus. I feel how my hair feel itchy in my neck. I try putting it up. But my shirt feels like it chokes me at this point too. I correct the placement of it. It's hard to stay still. And my phone is still somewhere where I can't get it, it's my stuff thst is out of my reach. I keep on hearing the clock. I hear how someone moves in theit chair and how someone breathes way too loudly. 

I try to breathe in, and breathe out. Focus, okay? Focus. I keep on saying that to myself, but I can't.

*skip*

Like that wasn't bad enough? Yeah. I come home and someone has touched all my stuff. Visited in my room. And the stuff is not in the right places. Someone has taken my blanket, even my pillow. No,  I can't just take new ones. Those were mine. I can't stand it.

I go to my mom and hold the tears in. "Why my blanket is not in my bed? What else has been taken? Where are them?"

And I get yelled at. How I can't never share anything with my siblings or my mom. I get yelled over again and again. I hate it. But I hate even more the fact that my blanket and pillow wouldn't smell the same when I would get them back. They would smell different. Someone else. And even if I washed those, they would still smell different.

No. I can't do this today. I breathe in.

I have been told to go to my room after I said no to have "family quality time". That shit is the most terrible thing ever. Sleeping in this "sisterbed", meaning in the floor with other, nope. Never. 

I sit in my room. The feeling doesn't go away. I feel so bad. Why people take my stuff without asking? It would be different if they asked? No it wouldn't, but it still would be more nicer than all this.

"I go out. Bye" and I leave right away with my phone and headphones. I always wear those. Even when there is no music playing. It helps me focus out more. Focus on other than my own thoughts.

I go out. I go for a walk. In this flower garden? Arboretum. 

There are people in here, but voices are not as loud as at my home. I have many siblings and they are noisy, among with other stuff such as TV, fridge, clock and others.

I sit to the grass, watching how light touches the water. How it shimmers. How it calms me. And allows me to breathe again. And again. Slowly I start to feel like myself again....

The feel

 Licìa & Miracle

I look at him. I see the pure feelings in his eyes, those ones that shakes the whole body. He is terrified of something, someone...

I rub my eyes again, trying to see if there is someone in this dark room. Stars and moon brings light in here, and other than that...there is coming warm light under the door.

"There is no one...here is just us" I'll try to say to calm him down. I hug him, try to het him stop feom shaking, but I can feel how his body is hard. He is ready to fight to survive.

"I have to check. I don't remember how we falled a sleep. I need to go check. Stay here" he says to me, with the voice that no one could say against on. 

"Promise me you'll stay, Licìa" he says again, when I don't answer to his talkings. I think we should just go back to sleep and that he doesn't remember falling a sleep, because he was so tired...

"I promise" I whisper. And then he just leaves, lefting me to wait here. And I don't even know where he is going. I bite my lip and grap my satin bathrobe. I go the the hallway, and start to check where he went. I can't see him anywhere around me.

Dear diary

 Naseria

I feel like time runs past me, I stay still and can't get hold of anything or anyone anymore.

It all feels too much, I feel too much.

I don't know where to go, what to do or even what to say.

It falls apart.

I fall apart.

I-

Please. I seek for help....can someone stop the world for a sec. Can someone just take my hand, and let me know it will be okay again?

I can't see clearly, not in this darkness. Is it even dark or just blurry? Or is it too bright after all these years?

 My brain is blurry. I am. The vision of me is, my future is.

It feels like the chaos is all around me. 

I can't breathe.

I try again. I try, try and try. 

I can't do anything. So I just watch how it all falls apart to these small pieces that causes wounds to my skin.

Do you see me? Do you know me?

How?

Because I don't. I don't know who I am.

Minä

Naseria

Minä en ole mitään.

Mitään sellaista, mitä sinä ajatuksiesi valtameressä olet kehitellyt. Maalannut kuvia ja vääristänyt totuuksia.

Minä en ole mitään.

Enkä koskaan tule olemaankaan mitään sellaista, jota sinä niin hartaasti toivot vääriltä Jumalilta tämän kuolevan maan pinnalla.

 En ole mitään sellaista, ja se on ainoa asia jonka tiedän itsestäni. Tiedän mitä minä en ainakaan ole, vaikka avoimeksi jää kaikki se mitä minä oikeasti olen.

Sillä vaikka en ole mitään mitä sinä toivot, minä olen yrittänyt olla. Toivonut vääriltä Jumalilta, maalannut itseäni vääristyneillä väreillä ollakseni jotain sellaista, mitä sinä uskottelet minun olevan.

Minä en ole mitään.

Movie

Naseria & Neith

(Kauno & Kulta included)

I lay on the sofa, my feet are in Kauno's lap and I scroll my phone while the second movie starts in TV. We had already eaten all the chips while watching the first movie. It took us like 15minutes and it was all gone. As usual with this group.

I smirk all by myself while texting with my therapist. 

- I saw you and Katherine at the mall today. Go and get it tiger! ;)

- Do not talk to me that way, baby boy

He always calls me with pet names when it's just the two of us. I don't know what others think about it and I never want to know. I don't want it to be ruined.

"Who are you talking to?" Kauno asks curiously and tries to see what I just read.

"To Neith. Nothing important. I just told him that I saw him and Kat" I say and laugh a bit. I take better position now and keep chatting.

- Other than that, how are you?

- We are watching movies with Kulta and Kauno. We just started Twilight, the second film :p My cigarettes are over and I can't even go to smoke *crying*

- Ah you just made my evening even better with the fact you can't go and ruin your lungs. When are we having meet up?

I think this longer. He means my therapist sessions, where we talk about me and not about him. Even thought sometimes I get a chance to ask him questions, he usually is really good at turning the talk back to me.

- Umm tomorrow? After school? If you pick me up. I need to go to the shop first before coming there.

- ....To get what.

I don't write the answer. I start picking my bottom lip while smiling by myself.

- I will pick you up with that deal you won't buy those. Ok?

- Fuck you are good at that. Fineeeeeeeeeee

- Good night Baby boy, see you tomorrow.

- Good night tiger ;)

I do wonder if he is actually going to sleep or is he with Katherine atm. Either way, Neith ALWAYS answers to me right away. I love that. I know I can reach for any kind of answer if needed. One time, I was in new medication, and we went out with friends, I didn't knew if I could have a sip of this cocktail. I messaged Neith, and got answer. He of course wasn't too happy about the fact that I would drink any alcohol, but he didn't want to force me not to. I ended up not drinking, and even texted him about it. Sometimes it feels like he actually gets happier about the fact that I follow what he says or do "good choices" because of him.

Names on the paper

Licìa & Miracle

 

"How's your name written?" I hear him ask, when he sits down to the bed again after grabbing pencil and old hotel advertising paper. He points me with the pencil, as a courage to take it to my hand, and I do take it. The paper aswell.

I write my name Licìa Kehnä .

And after I have given the paper piece and pencil back, he tries to write my name on it too.

"Why you want to learn how to write my name?" I ask with wonder in my voice.

"I know how to write my own. I figured that yours would be easy start with that base" he declares to me.

I nod. And watch while he tries to figure it out.

"Kehnä is my last name. And if you want it easier, you can just write Liisi"

He glance me quickly and gives the paper back to me. I write it on it again. And once he takes them back, he tries to write it too.

"Do you want to know something about me?" I ask, since we are going to be married and he doesn't want to share anything about himself with me.

"No" he answers so shortly and so fast. I just stare at him for a while, but nod. This whole marriage felt so difficult already and we aren't even married just yet.

We had already argued today too. Before he sat down again. He got so angry at me because I asked about his moms death. His eyes were full of pure hate, but yet...he didn't felt like he would do anything else than just stare at me like that. And he did apologize eventually to me.

I somehow believed that he wouldn't be that bad person as everyone else felt like keeping him to be. I admit that he had made me cry several times, and we had known each other for couple days only, but still. I saw something...more in him.

I look at him while he writes in the paper. Again...again...and again. He clearly enjoys writing, even when he doesn't know how to write well or even read at all. His mother had died before he even could have the chance to teach all that. An he didn't tell me anything about his father, expect that he wishes he is dead by now.

My own parents died in a burning house before I was put on under a spell that made me sleep for 6 years, in a glass coffin. Under the deep ocean. I don't really remember much what happened on that day, when everything went down fall. All I do know, is that the man I was supposed to marry, is in love with someone else and now I'm engaged to this chihuahua with an attitude problems.

14 hours before:

"We are not going there. That is not a hotel" I try to say when he grabs me from my elbow and starts to lead us in to that place of sins and half naked people. I have never been there before and it wasn't in my bingo card for this year either.

"Would you like me to perform you own private show at the hotel then?" He smirks. I know he isn't kidding even thought he covers it in those smirks and smiles and amused voices.

"Oh dear Lord, no. Fine. We go there" I roll my eyes and let him lead us in. 

The lights are red, and here is a lot more warmer than outside. It's crowdied all over the place. I see people in colorfuk bikinis and lot's of shimmering clothing pieces while Miracle leads us in to a table.

"What you want to drink?" He asks while looking around. He feels more like excited than worried. I'm worried.

"I don't think they have anything warm, like coffee or tea?"

"I don't think so either" he answeres and still orders something for both of us when worker of this olace walks past us. I have no idea ehat he orders, and I don't even know the names.

"Oh my God" I might give a little scream, when I cover my eyes. I can't believe what I just saw. Can I have salt or soap for my eyes?

"I saw someones naked buttcheecks" I wishper in a shock. And he starts laughing.

I move my fingers just a little bit to see his face. He actually looks like it was funniest thing he has ever heard. Atleast coming from me. He laughs so much that he starts to cough while doing so. I love the fact that he is enjoying his living, even thought it needed that I saw something unwanted.

"How come you are going to be married if you get in a shock over that?" He asks me amused.

I roll my eyes. "I do not wish or plan to see you naked either" 

It was the first time I saw him actually have fun, heard his laugh. I think...it was the moment I started to fall for him...

Reason to see the other day

 

Naseria & Neith

Oh how badly I wanted it all to just end. All the fucking voices in my head, all the voices coming from others mouths. It feels so frustrating to just wait, and the fact that I do not know if the waiting will ever help. I quess, for the moment it's the only thing I can trust on because I had made promise.

Naseria, 15 years old.

I sat down to the same chair that I had used to come sit and talk with my theraphist. Well..almost. This is new room, new theraphist and I would have to tell my story all over again. I hated it, I hated the fact that I needed to tell everything to each of these so called professionals, and it never helps. They just keep on sending me to a next one when they come up with the fact that they can't help me at all. 

I look at the man that is supposedly my therapist. Long black hair that is holded on ponytail, lifeless eyes and pale face. And that's not even only weird thing that there is with him,  he doesn't look at me or even come up with loaded questions. He just continues drinking his coffee.

And then he asks, "What kind of music you listen to?". I stare at him. How does my music taste tell anything about how my mind works?

"Umh...I don't know. Punk? Kind of mix of everything. I go with the flow I quess?" 

He nods. Just nods? No. He opens his mouth.

"If I put this song on, is it okay with you?" He asks, and puts on some music. Music while in therapy? Okay...and I reconize the song. Fall out boy, thnks fr th mmrs.

I rize my brow to him. He smiles.

And that's what we do on my first gime at his office. Listen music. And I end up suggesting my own favorites.

It's strange, because when I leave from there, I do feel better. I do not regret sharing why some songs were my favorites and which ones I listen when I'm sad or angry. He did it so well that I didn't feel like I was forced to talk.

---------

Naseria, 17 years old.

I still visit the same therapist. I go to the office and go like, "You will never believe what happened at school today".

I open up about everything with him. He is like a big brother that I never had. He gives me advices, listens, and even let's me ask questions about him and his personal life. It's like we have a connection. He is not just a stranger to me that knows all my problems. I know about his too. He suffers from depression and is really bad workaholic. We sometimes go for coffee, and I know that he has a crush on his coworker but he doesn't make a move. I have tried to courage him to do that but he is just too shy on lovelife things. I joke to him that I'm his ambassador of love, and he rolls his eyes with smile on his face everytime.

I do not know what I would do without him or if I wouldn't have ended up in his office when I was younger.

-----------

I call him. I call my theraphist Neith, late at night. I cry when he answers. I cry way too much, and he asks where I am. Nothing else. He asks where I am, and 30minutes later he comes and picks me up. Firstly he hugs me really thightly when he sees me, and I drop my backpackoff my shoulder.

He still doesn't ask. 

He doesn't ask, cause he knows I will tell him eventually.

I hug him back. Of course I do. I also cry and wet his jacket with my tears and snot. He doesn't care. He rises his hand to my hair, starting to stroking my hair. He doesn't say anything. But it's enough. He is here and holds me while my whole world has shattered to pieces.

It even rains. How dramatic it all feels.

"Veetu doesn't want to be friends with me anymore" it feels like end of the world to me. Veetu has been my best friend since kindergarden. 

"Sshh...it's okay...I'm sure you two can talk it out later. You both just need time" he comforts me. But I know we won't get this solved. Veetu now has a boyfriend, and my mom got involved to this whole situation. My mom had called to Veetu and poisoned his mind with lies.

I cry. I cry more. 

I feel like it will never end.

The next morning, 10.47 am

Neith had brought me to his apartment. I slept in a sofa, and slept really deeply too. 

My eyes are swollen from all the crying that I had went through. It hurts my head like I would have bunshed it to the wall over and over again. I feel like my whole body had been crying over the whole thing. Or atleast been hit by a train.

And I feel like crying again, when I reach my phone and open whatsapp. I see that Veetu has blocked me. I go on insta, and see the same thing. I share some music to my stories there and put the phone away. I usually share music to show how I feel. Specially when I feel bad. I don't think anyone knows it actually, atleast no one has ever cares enough to come and ask me about it. Veetu had. Bur now there will be no one who is going to ask that stuff from me.

"Morning sunshine" Neith mocks me and brings coffee to the table. I know it's mocking because I do not feel like sunshine at all, and I know I don't look good.

"It seems you had good night sleep, huh? You snored and talked in your sleep" his smile is amused.

"Oh God. Please tell me you are kidding" I laugh and rise to sit. I take the coffee. The very first sip is always the best one. And so it is now too. Even better.

"I wish I would. The sofa got really hard ride I quess" he smirks, I hear how amused he is. And I get so red by knowing that and remembering what I dreamed about. Oh no...

I laugh. And he laughs too.

"It's okay. No need to worry, I won't say a word to anyone" he promises with smile on his face.

"Thanks" I say and shake my head. I touch my hair. It points to every possible direction because of the sleeping. I pull my hood over it.

"Drink it and come eat. I will make porridge for us" he says before leaving back to the kitchen again.

Kiss of sorrows & promises

Licìa & Miracle

He looked me in to my eyes, and I have never before felt anything like that before.

He was full of lies, yet his eyes didn't lie. Not even for a second. He looked me, and I knew that he wanted me even before this timeline we are existing right now.

And yet, he did lie to me. He lied, and now I'm engaged to him without even knowing his full name. Not even first name.

The sun feels so warm against my skin, it feels like a warm hug from someone who I had missed for a long time. I breathe in, and let my mind get more quiet than it has been for days.

The ring in my hand felt so weird. He had put it in, and the ring has started to grown spikes to my bone. It wouldn't get off even if I tried to do so.

I actually had tried i before, by cutting that finger off. My body grew that finger back, obviously since I'm not a human. I'm nothing real actually. And it was my own decision to put that ring back to my finger.

I hear quiet knock on my door. I close my eyes and breathe again, before going to open that door. Behind it, there is this tall man who smelled like secrets, fallen angels and sorrow. I knew he hold darkness inside himself, and I could feel it too. My eyes sees the smirk on his face, I want to close the door right away and forget the whole thing. Instead, he just walks in while saying "Did you change your mind over me, bunny?".

What a mistake to take him in. Don't you think?

I close the door behind me and look at him.

"Why me? Tell me why you chose me and what was your plan? Because I feel like that hunt after the crown was just a play but at the same time I feel like you used me as a pawn?" I ask him, while walking back to the balcony. I try to breathe the air, not his scent that wants me to get back to his arms.

 "I do not have money, or wonderful palace or anything like that. Why you wanted me?" I continue while taking deep breathe.

"What if I already have all that, and I just needed a girl?" He ask, while smirking. He rises his hands in gust.

I have to roll my eyes. I do not believe that. How could I? He could have chosen anyone, but he chose someone who don't have anything left in this world. And he was incredibly rude and too confident.

"I must admit, I do not believe that. Why would you chose me?" I ask him, while turning to look at him again.

He walks near to me and rises his hand to my cheek, and therefore to my neck. His hands feels cold, and it gives me shivers. And then he opens his mouth and gives me more his stupid kind of answers that sounds like lies to me.

"Why would I choose anyone else? Didn't I already told you that the only thing I lack is girl"

I purse my lips, while looking at his eyes. I shake his hands away from me.

"I won't become your girl in that way." I say and look away from him.

He still looks at me. Why do I feel like he is trying to actually understand me while his actions says otherwise? I know he's only interested in his own thing, that he gets what he desires.

"Don't act like you hate me..." he whispers.

"I do not act anything. You lied to me and you hurt my feelings and didn't even apogolize for that" I look back at him.

"It wasn't even correct proposal. You didn't go down on your knee and wait for my answer" I huff at him.

And he actually apologizes after that, with mocking me and the ways I wanted him to propose. I look at him, try to understand but I can't get hold of his thoughts. And then he does something else that I do not expect him to do, not after the fact he mocked me being old fashioned by wanting original proposal.

"I don't even know your name" 

"You shall call me Miracle"

I take a deep breathe again. I look his brown eyes, and his beautiful face. The lips that has kissed me yesterday.

"I accept your proposal, Miracle" I finally answer to him, and he gives me reasons to regret my answer. Right away.

"Kiss me" he says. Really? He thinks he can just tell me to kiss him and that I would do that?

"I'm not your dog. I won't do such a stuff just because you ask me to do. Beside, you are mean." 

"You think I would kiss my dog? What makes you think that I'm the mean one?" He ask me and it makes me smile. The thought of him, so mysteriois man, giving kisses to a dog?

"You? Definetly" I laugh a bit. 

"And you definetly are mean. See how you treat me?" I continue my sentence.

"You would make my life so much easier by being my little wall flower..." he goes. 

"I would rather jump off this balcony than agree on doing that" I huff at him. That's not something that I would think of a life plan.

"Would you do it for me?"

"I rather drop you off from here" 

"And I would take you down with me" he says, and somehow that sounds even better than it should. He touches my soft pink hair, while being real close to me. That close our lips thouch each other.

"Show me how you hurt me" he whispers.

Sinä olet minun kesäyöni

 "Enpä usko" , hän kikatti sulosointuisella äänellä. Yhtä heleällä kuin kissankellojen kilinä.

Hän sai koko maailman tuntumaan paremmalta. Värit enemmän...väreiltä. Tunteet leimuvina lieskoina ja vuodenajat vahvempina kuin koskaan ikinä. Minusta tuntui, kuin olisin enemmän elossa hänen seurassaan ollessani.

Veden kahisevan aaltoileva ääni kuuluu rytmikkään tasaisesti kun hän kahlaa pidemmälle. Katson miten hänen valkea kesämekkonsa lipuilee tuulen tanssittaessa sitä. Vaaleanpunaiset hiukset leikkivät omaa leikkiänsä tuulen keinuttaessa niitä silmille ja risteilemään kaulan poikki.

Hymähdän.

"Mitenniin et? Näit sen ihan yhtälailla, ja todellisena, kuin mitä minä olin nähnyt", huomautan hänelle epäuskoisena. Oma ääneni ei ollut yhtä pehmeä ja lempeä. Se oli matalampi, kuulemma toffeemainen. Siten, hän oli sitä kuvaillut.

Olin käärinyt vaaleiden housujeni lahkeet polviin saakka. Käsivarsissani risteili pisamoita, jotka näkyivät selvästi hihattoman paidan kanssa. Niitä risteili myös pitkin kasvojani, kuin mitäkin tähtikuvioita.

Itse en ikinä kutsuisi niitä tähtikuvioiksi, mutta Saori oli kuiskinut niin kun hän oli kuljettanut sormiaan ihollani kesäloman ensimmäisenä aamuna. Olimme nukkuneet teltassa, olleet täysin kahden ja vihdoin ilman tuomitsevia katseita joita kohtasimme päivittäin jos kuljimme jossain yhdessä. Tai erikseen.

"Koska minä näin myös millainen se lopputulos oli. Eikä se sinun tuherruksesi vastannut milläänlailla sitä maisemaa jota yritit piirrellä. Se näytti ihan ala-asteikäisen piirtämältä" hän nauraa minulle. Mutta se ei haittaa. Hän tekee sen niin hyväntahtoisena, joten se saa minut ainoastaan hymyilemään.

Vedän hänet liki. Aivan kiinni itseeni ja hymyilen hänelle. 

"Puhut ihan höpöjä" kuiskaan hänelle ennenkuin painan huuleni hänen nenälleen. Se sää hänet nyrpistämään nenäänsä virnistäessään.

"Tuletko sä meille jo tänään?"

"En usko. Mun pitäisi auttaa äitiä muuttolaatikoiden kanssa" Saori vastaa. Ja se riipii sisintäni. Hän muuttaisi kesän jälkeen pois, ja minä jäisin siihen kusiseen helvetin loukkoon yksikseni. Vedän syvään henkeä ja huokaan päästäessäni ilmat ulos. Painan otsani hänen omaansa vasten, samalla sulkien silmäluomeni.

"Haittaiskohan sun äitiä jos mä tulisin auttamaan niiden kanssa?"

Hän nauraa. Hän nauraa niin kauniisti.

"Ei ehkä sitä haittaisi että sä olisit siellä. Vaan enemminkin se ettei me saatais kaksin yhtäkään muuttolaatikkoa täytettyä kun oltais jo kadottu mun huoneelle" hän huomauttaa minua huvittuneena.

Ja minun mieleeni piirtyy kuvia siitä, kuinka tosiaan tekisimme niin. Sotkisimme hänen vaaleansiniset pedatut lakanat ja saisimme tyynyt putoilemaan lattioille pehmolelujen kanssa kilpaa. Hymy karkaa huulilleni.

"Mm...ehkä. Mutta sä lupaat että me nähdään sit huomenna?" Varmistan häneltä, silittäen hänen käden pehmeää ihoa.

Nyökkäys. Ja tiedän hänen myös hymyilevän. 

Olimme menossa huomenna perhospuutarhaan, jonka näkemistä olimme suunnitelleet viime vuodesta lähtien. Sen oli pakko tapahtua huomenna, sillä huomenna meidän suhteemme olisi kestänyt vuoden.

"Aiotko sä viimein kertoa sun porukoille?" Saori kysyy, ja minä vuorostani irvistän sille. Ähkäisenkin, avaten silmäni. Katson hänen omiinsa, merten sinisiin silmiin. Omani olivat vihreät kuin koivujen lehdet alkukesästä.

"Sä tiedät ettet voi tulla käymään meillä ikinä, jos sä jätät jotain noin tärkeetä kertomatta niille. Ne saa tietää kuitenkin jossain vaiheessa" hän toruu minua. Ja saa senkin kuulostamaan...joltain paremmalta kuin mitä se oli tosiasiassa.

"Joo mä otan sen puheeks" lupailen hymähtäen, silmiäni pyöräyttäen. Ja taas hän nyökkää, nyt terävämmin. Ja sotkee minun tumman lyhyen tukkani, pörröttämällä sitä joka suuntaan ennenkuin juoksee karkuun ja pois vedestä.

Katson hänen juoksuaan pyöriemme luokse. Hän vilkuttaa, eikä mene kauaa kun hän on poissa. Vieden mukanaan valon, värit ja minun elämäniloni.

Katson hetken vielä veteen, jonnekkin kauas päin, pois rannasta. Ja kuvittelen, miltä mahroi tuntua hukkua. Joo. Minun oli ihan todella vaikeaa kuvitella, miten voisin elää ilman häntä. En tiedä miten olin kitunut hengissä näinkään kauaa.

》Lähden kävelemään poispäin rannalta, myös pyöräni luokse. Minun toinen jalkani oli amputoitu 2-vuotta sitten. Ja minulla oli sen tilalla metallinen, ropottimainen jalka. Ei sellainen futuristinen mitä nähdään elokuvissa, vaan sellainen..hmm..kuluneemman näköinen. Se oli erään kaupungimme keksijän suunnittelema. Isäni. Jalka joka oltiin amputoitu, oli oikeanpuolimmainen, jos sillä nyt on väliä. Ja kyllä, pyöräily sen kanssa oli hankalaa, mutta onnistuin siinä, jos lähinnä poljin vasemmalla ja lepuutin oikeaa jalkaa mukana.《 

Lasken lautasia ja haarukoita pöytään, kattaessani sitä. Isä häärää vielä keittiössä ruuan kanssa, ja äiti kantaa pikkuveljeäni pöydän ääreen.

Olin valmistautunut henkisesti kertomaan porukoille nyt. Nyt tai ei koskaan. Olin pitkittänyt sitä jo vuoden.

"Tiedättehän te Saorin? Mun parhaan ystävän" , koitan aloittaa keskustelua kevyesti, pyyhkäisen polkkamittaisia hiuksiani korvan taakseni. 

"Tietysti" äiti hymähtää, kuin vähän loukkaantuen siitä että epäilin sitä, tiesikö hän kenen kanssa hengailin.

"Mitä jos se olis enemmän kuin mun parasystävä?" Korjaan kurkkuani.

Äiti tuijottaa minuun. Hän hakee sanoja, mutta ei selvästi tiedä, mitä aikoisi tai edes voisi sanoa. Hän vilkaisee isään, hakien häneltä vastausta.

"Tarkoitatko sä sitä, että te olisitte yhdessä?" Isä korjaa kurkkuaan.

Nyökkään. En uskalla jatkaa mitenkään asiaa.

"Puhutaan siitä myöhemmin, jooko" isä pyytää ja tuo makaroonilaatikon pöytään. Katson sitä, harmaata sotkua. Ja istuudun pöydän ääreen. Emmekä me ota asiaa puheeksi koko ruokailun aikana.

Emmekä iltana.

Mutta yöllä, äitini tulee herättämään minua. Ääni on kireä, ja hän suuttuu etten herää heti. 

"Nyt ylös" hän sihahtaa minulle, ja tunnistan äänestä hänen juoneen taas. Paljon. Hän joi usein, ja usein se meni myös yli.

Nousen istumaan, hieraisen silmiäni ja pakottaudun ylös sängystä.

"Saat pakkaa kamas ja painua helvettiin täältä. Tollaset ei asu mun kattoni alla!" Hän ärähtää minulle.

Isä katsoo huoneeni ovensuusta, mutta ei väitä vastaan. Ei hän koskaan väittänyt. Enkä väitä minäkään, vaan alan pakata tavaroitani kiireellä. Sydämeni jyskyttää, kun adrenaliiniryöppy virtaa kehooni. Äiti jatkaa huutamistaan, sylkee suustaan ties mitä kauheuksia. Ja pikkuveljeni herää siihen, alkaa itkeä, ja äitini syyttää siitä minua.

"Kato nyt mitä sä teit!" Hän sihahtaa niin että tupakan sekä kaljan hajuista sylkeä lentää naamalleni.

En sano mitään. Sullon reppuuni vain sen, mitä sinne mahtuu ja mitä tarvisin.

Eikä se auta, sillä äitini tarraa jo minua hiuksista, ja kiskoo ulos kämpästä. Yritän irrottaa otetta, sillä se tekee kipeää. Mutta se ei auta.

Hän päästää irti vasta kun on saanut viskattua minut rappukäytävään.

"Ja takas ei ole tulemista!" hän huutaa minulle. Latelee kauheuksiaan ja minä nousen ylös. Lähden kulkemaan äkkiä pois rappukäytävästä, ulospäin.

Puen housut jalkaani vasta kun olen tarpeeksi pitkällä kotoa, ettei hän pääse lähtemään perääni. Itku pääsee myös vasta nyt. Pyyhin hiuksia kasvoiltani kun soitan Saorille asiasta. Kerron vain pintapuolisesti, että minut oltiin potkittu ulos ja että olin kertonut meidän olevan yhdessä.

Ja tiedän, sekä toivon, että pääsisin hänen luokseensa....

Ei siihen mene kauaa, kun Saori kävelee minua vastaan kesäyön hämärtämässä kävelykadulla. Hän tulee halaamaan minua samantien. Hän ei kysele, kyseenalaista. Hän vain halaa, ikäänkuin pystyisi saamaan minut ehjäksi jälleen. 

Myönnän, minusta tuntuu taas hieman ehjemmältä. Ja tuntuu taas vähän enemmän ehjältä, kun Saori silittelee hiuksiani kokoyön, pitelee sylissään ja antaa minun vain itkeä. Ei tämä ollut eka kerta. Eikä viimeinen, jos minä palaisin sinne. Kotiini.

Vasta kun aurinko alkaa jo nousemaan, ja linnut laulelemaan kovemmin, minä ja Saori olemme nukahtaneet sylikkäin...

Aamulla silmäni ovat turvonneet, en todellakaan ole valmis kohtaamaan tätä päivää. Tiedän jo, millainen viestitulva puhelimessani odottaisi, kun käynnistäisin sen taas. Olin sammuttanut sen yön aikana, kun äitini ei ollut lopettanut soittamista ja uhkailua poliiseilla jos en tulisi nyt heti takaisin kotiin. Tai no...minä en ollut sammuttanut. Saori oli. Minä en ollut pystynyt.

Hautaan kasvoni tutun turvalliseen tuoksuun ja hengitän sitä lujaa sisääni. Kiedon käteni hänen ympärilleen, ja uniset raajat kiertyvät minunkin ympärilleni. Katselen kattoa, joka on auringon säteiden valaisema. Koko huone oli silti sävymaailmaltaan sininen, vaikka normaalisti auringon valo sai kaiken näyttämään keltaiselta. Katseenni hakeutuu ikkunan luokse. Ohuet siniset verhot ovat peittämässä niitä. Suljen silmäni uudelleen. Mutta avaan ne taas.

Katselen prinsessaverhoa, ja kaikkia pieniä perhosia joita siinä on. Perhoset muistuttivat minua aina Saorista itsestään...kuten myös ensilumi, kesäinen sade ja auringonlaskujen maalaamat taivaat.

"Kiitos" kuiskaan Saorille, painaen kevyen suukon hänen huulilleen. Hän vastaa hymyllä, ja sillä että pyyhkii hiuksisni korvani taakse. Hän vetää minut paremmin halaukseensa, pitäen silmiään yhä kiinni.

Huoneessa itsessään ei kuulu ääniä, meidän hengityksemme ja peiton kahinan lisäksi, nutta ulkoa kuuluu lintujen laulun ohessa ruohonleikkurin ääni. Molemmat muistutticat vahvasti kesästä. Tuuletusikkunan ollessa auki, vastaleikatun nurmikon tuoksu pääsee sisään huoneeseenkin...

Welcome and goodbye?

 

Hey lovelies 🖤

It has been a really long time since I have written any kind of post in the blog, and ofc I had to dive to the deep end in here and write it in english.

And with that said, I will not promise to keep this up but we'll see...

And if it goes well and I keep up staying motivated, I will share my oc stuff in here. Little storylines and the world build. (Their whole universe is so chaptic that it will take A WHILE....)

I have been sick pretty often these days so my photographing has happened indoors mainly. I have found myself end up even liking the end results I usually feel like my indoor pics won't turn out as good as outdoor.

So I decided to show you some in here, that didn't end up in instagram/ some before and after pics etc. Not sure what else just yet

I loved these pics, but I took these just for fun after taking the "main" picture, which I was going to post! I think these shows the best Nita's faceup which is stunning. I could stare them for hours...

The candless are made by @decaying_4rt from instagram! The headpiece is made by me 

Fun fact:

This headpiece once was left behind from our photographing trip with Jane. We tried to find it but didn't end up doing so, so we just went home without it. I don't know how long period of time it took, but months, before we found this from the same place it was left from us XD 

It felt so unreal. I was sure that some dog would would have ripped this to pieces or it wouldn't be found ever again. But yeah

Here is the before and after with editing this pic! It's not much, but small changed made a lot to the picture itself. Added flames (ofc) and more brightness/lights and cold tones to it. 

There even is dusk in the front, but it doesn't show up that much over here but...it's there. Trust me.

And here is the place I took this! Our kitchen table ;u: I have taken many others in here too, and mostly always take pics in here of the dresses/outfits I sew

I actually made that siren tail just and only for this picture. (The tail belongs to Jane now)

I used to sew mermaid tails for barbie dolls in my childhood, for me and my little sister. 

After watching the H2O, just add water.....and yes...we played mermaids too...

Without most of the edits. I have already darkened the picture in this one!

I was SO scared that the doll would just end up falling off from there XD somehow it stayed there even thought I accidently hit the table!

And some of you even asked in instagam about her hair after I showed this one. Her hair has been hairsprayed to stay in that way...so no real magic happened

I wanted to create this type of picture, with long black dress. I didn't own one before, and I needed to make black dress for sale -> what a perfect reason to make it right away! I got the picture I wanted, and dress made too!

I am VERY tempted to just keep the dress myself, but I try to stay strong here

This lace(?) cover can be taken off or worn! And the sleeves can be worn long or short x) I love to make parts for my sewings that makes them more useable!

Not much edited in this one either x)

I just wanted to take picture of Licìa with it looking like she would wander in a dream world.

Her character was cursed and put in a glass coffin, under the deep ocean. She was in a dream that full time, so she had time exploring world of the dreams. She ended up in others dreams, asking for help... until one day, someone did find her.

My boy! 

He is currently without character. At first he was going to be Šárka (son of the God of rain), but he definetly gives me vibe of Ourania (he is security guard in palace, but in his freetime he explores the ocean and the creatures in it. He loves to dive. And no, he is not the one who found Licìa...)

The problem is here

Ourania has blonde/white hair and white tattoo, but Šárka looks öoke this which he is currently looking like! So I'm still thinking a lot....

Her eyelids are the best ones my dolls do have. I love those way too much and dkfkkfkf yup. You do see it yourself. 

Aaaand it's good to end with photos of Raja. Hope you enjoyed and even got something out of this!