Naseria & Neith
Oh how badly I wanted it all to just end. All the fucking voices in my head, all the voices coming from others mouths. It feels so frustrating to just wait, and the fact that I do not know if the waiting will ever help. I quess, for the moment it's the only thing I can trust on because I had made promise.
Naseria, 15 years old.
I sat down to the same chair that I had used to come sit and talk with my theraphist. Well..almost. This is new room, new theraphist and I would have to tell my story all over again. I hated it, I hated the fact that I needed to tell everything to each of these so called professionals, and it never helps. They just keep on sending me to a next one when they come up with the fact that they can't help me at all.
I look at the man that is supposedly my therapist. Long black hair that is holded on ponytail, lifeless eyes and pale face. And that's not even only weird thing that there is with him, he doesn't look at me or even come up with loaded questions. He just continues drinking his coffee.
And then he asks, "What kind of music you listen to?". I stare at him. How does my music taste tell anything about how my mind works?
"Umh...I don't know. Punk? Kind of mix of everything. I go with the flow I quess?"
He nods. Just nods? No. He opens his mouth.
"If I put this song on, is it okay with you?" He asks, and puts on some music. Music while in therapy? Okay...and I reconize the song. Fall out boy, thnks fr th mmrs.
I rize my brow to him. He smiles.
And that's what we do on my first gime at his office. Listen music. And I end up suggesting my own favorites.
It's strange, because when I leave from there, I do feel better. I do not regret sharing why some songs were my favorites and which ones I listen when I'm sad or angry. He did it so well that I didn't feel like I was forced to talk.
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Naseria, 17 years old.
I still visit the same therapist. I go to the office and go like, "You will never believe what happened at school today".
I open up about everything with him. He is like a big brother that I never had. He gives me advices, listens, and even let's me ask questions about him and his personal life. It's like we have a connection. He is not just a stranger to me that knows all my problems. I know about his too. He suffers from depression and is really bad workaholic. We sometimes go for coffee, and I know that he has a crush on his coworker but he doesn't make a move. I have tried to courage him to do that but he is just too shy on lovelife things. I joke to him that I'm his ambassador of love, and he rolls his eyes with smile on his face everytime.
I do not know what I would do without him or if I wouldn't have ended up in his office when I was younger.
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I call him. I call my theraphist Neith, late at night. I cry when he answers. I cry way too much, and he asks where I am. Nothing else. He asks where I am, and 30minutes later he comes and picks me up. Firstly he hugs me really thightly when he sees me, and I drop my backpackoff my shoulder.
He still doesn't ask.
He doesn't ask, cause he knows I will tell him eventually.
I hug him back. Of course I do. I also cry and wet his jacket with my tears and snot. He doesn't care. He rises his hand to my hair, starting to stroking my hair. He doesn't say anything. But it's enough. He is here and holds me while my whole world has shattered to pieces.
It even rains. How dramatic it all feels.
"Veetu doesn't want to be friends with me anymore" it feels like end of the world to me. Veetu has been my best friend since kindergarden.
"Sshh...it's okay...I'm sure you two can talk it out later. You both just need time" he comforts me. But I know we won't get this solved. Veetu now has a boyfriend, and my mom got involved to this whole situation. My mom had called to Veetu and poisoned his mind with lies.
I cry. I cry more.
I feel like it will never end.
The next morning, 10.47 am
Neith had brought me to his apartment. I slept in a sofa, and slept really deeply too.
My eyes are swollen from all the crying that I had went through. It hurts my head like I would have bunshed it to the wall over and over again. I feel like my whole body had been crying over the whole thing. Or atleast been hit by a train.
And I feel like crying again, when I reach my phone and open whatsapp. I see that Veetu has blocked me. I go on insta, and see the same thing. I share some music to my stories there and put the phone away. I usually share music to show how I feel. Specially when I feel bad. I don't think anyone knows it actually, atleast no one has ever cares enough to come and ask me about it. Veetu had. Bur now there will be no one who is going to ask that stuff from me.
"Morning sunshine" Neith mocks me and brings coffee to the table. I know it's mocking because I do not feel like sunshine at all, and I know I don't look good.
"It seems you had good night sleep, huh? You snored and talked in your sleep" his smile is amused.
"Oh God. Please tell me you are kidding" I laugh and rise to sit. I take the coffee. The very first sip is always the best one. And so it is now too. Even better.
"I wish I would. The sofa got really hard ride I quess" he smirks, I hear how amused he is. And I get so red by knowing that and remembering what I dreamed about. Oh no...
I laugh. And he laughs too.
"It's okay. No need to worry, I won't say a word to anyone" he promises with smile on his face.
"Thanks" I say and shake my head. I touch my hair. It points to every possible direction because of the sleeping. I pull my hood over it.
"Drink it and come eat. I will make porridge for us" he says before leaving back to the kitchen again.
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