Make it make sense

Naseria

It doesn't make any sense. Not at all. Not when I check the details and calculate the outcome, it doens't make any sense. It feels unfair, it makes me feel so much anxiety that I can barely handle on to. It will make me lose sleep, because I will repeat it in my head until it actually makes any sense at all.

But it doesn't. Not even single bit at all in the end.

I still stare at my test which I got back from my teacher. I let my fingers go through my scalp while I stare it. I studied so hard, and I know I knew the answers. So how come I sit here staring failed test? It feels unfair that no one knows how hard I tried and still this happened. How many sleepless nights I have spend over thinking all this. It's just...I don't know. 

It feels like chaos had settled into my brain. It goes back on that failed thing and get's stuck in the small details of it. Repeats it inside my head where my brain feels like it's on fire.

I look through the car's window while Kauno drives it. He had to come and pick me up from school because I was still thinking that stuff so badly it got me anxious to even think about which bus I needed to get to be able to come home after all.

"Thanks. For coming to get me" I mumble to him and start picking skin on my lips.

"Yeah of course. Always. I would have come even if you wouldn't have felt upset because of that test. And hey, it's just a one test. I used to fuck up so many tests at school too" he tells me while grinning.

I roll my eyes. I know he means only good, but he doesn't understand it wasn't just a test...it's because -

"I don't understand what I did wrong in it. I studied so hard on it. It would have been okay if I wouldn't even had tried, but I actually tried reaaaaaallly hard on this one and still failed" I sighs.

Kauno stays quiet longer period of time now until he opens his mouth again.

"I understand that. I'm so sorry to hear that too" 

I nod, and don't say anything more at all. It does feel good tho that he apogolizes even thought I know it's not his fault or his job. Somehow it feels like universe apogolizes to me through him now. Idk, and I do know that it doesn't make sense to many at all. But yeah, I don't care if that makes sense to me now.

~~~

I still think about it while laying in bed at night. It feels like heavy thing would have landed on my chest. Like a box. Filled with questions and small marks of the details of what had happened. I try to sleep without results. 

I get up, drink water, go back to bed.

I get up again, go to the bathroom and back to bed.

I get up and go to sit on the sofa to watch series, and back to bed.

I get up again, walk around and get on the bed.

Until, I somehow come in peace with it. The clock is more near to the morning than night, but I finally manage to get some sleep after I have forgived myself over it too. 

 I tried and I failed, but atleast I even tried.