Manuel

 

Manuel

They always say that my soul is pure and clean. Like first snow or clear water in the spring.

How come? I feel like I am part of the darkness and sadness that has taken over me. I feel dirty even right after shower, I feel empty when I am surrounded by people. They are full of joy and happiness. I am not. But I pretend to have, I prented that I am not staring at the roof at night and crying about everything that is wrong in me. I overthink the way I have talked, walked or even been when I haven't said anything.

I am not pure. Not clean. And my mind is not a happy place to be in. Not even when I smile.

This life has made me be covered with dirt and made me carry the pain with me through the whole life...and I carry it for others too. I am your company when you are upset because when you tell me about the stuff that is hurting - I am taking it away from you. I take it to myself so it's easier for you to breath.

I stare at my hands. I'm leaning towards the sink. Another panic attack has started to suffociate me. It makes it harder to breath and even move. I keep breathing, trying my best. But I fucking can't. The air is stuck just like this thought in my mind. 

Knocking on the door.

The door opening.

And hands around me.

It doesn't make it easier. But it makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Frosty day

Licìa

I live through the dreams, wonders and hopes. I become all of it, just like walking on the soft clouds or reaching the brightest stars on the night sky. And then it all crashes. I open my eyes, and know that none of it was ever real.

Until it becomes the reality, small parts that decide to happen and copy the same path that was left on my mind from the dreams I had dreamt and from the wishes I had made.

The snow was landing softly to the ground, without making any noise at all. But I like to imagine it making a soft tingle while touching the other frozen snowflakes. Breathing the frosty air to my lungs and letting it all out within the steam. 

I loved these type of mornings, where you can feel the winter greet you right away when you walk outside. Frozen kisses to the cheeks, and after that covering your face to scarf.

Smile seeks to my face already, even when he hasn't noticed me yet. And it gets bigger, wider, when his eyes meets mine and the same type of smile reaches his face. Warm hands around me, the smell that feels like home. My home. Miracle.

"Hey little bunny" his voice is just like ice, spiky and thorn. It feels like it could cut your skin, just like paper cuts but all over your body and specially to the most hurtful places.

"Good morning princess" I giggle, with smile on my face. He hates when I start calling him that, but never asks me to stop using that pet name. I think it suits him better than anything else, even thought he was my brave knight from those romantic princess stories. He had saved me in every way I could ever be saved, and kept on making me want it. He says that I saved him, gave him the sun to his darkness and reason to live. But he has no idea how badly I needed him, how deeply I dreamed of him without even knowing who he exactly was. I knew it years before it actually happened, before he found me.

"Ahh....be careful darling, you shouldn't be using that name of me when you are the one who should be wearing the crown and owning this world" he speaks as softly as he can with that destroyed voice of his. His hand wanders to my neck, cheek and then to my chin. He rises my head, making me look at his eyes while he speaks to me.

"Owning the world? How about owning you first" Smile that rises to my faces, makes my nose go on wrinkles. And he smiles so softly.

"Oh but you are my world" he whispers right before his soft lips finds mine.

It feels better than any hot drink or warm blanket ever could. My whole body feels like soft, warm honey when I taste him. 

My hands, which I believe have their own will, wanders under his shirt. It makes him shiver, and a giggle escapes between my lips.

"How the hell your hands are so cold already?" He asks, looking at me. Staring. But still letting my hands to stay where they are.

"Oh they wanted so despretly to be in touch with you. You know...they are dramatic"

And that makes him laugh. Actually laugh. He never does it, because it hurts his throath. He hasn't told me that, but I see the pain in his face, even the slightest amount of it.

This moment feels magical, he does.

Winter mornings hides the special kind of magic.

France, Paris

France, Paris

6.6.- 14.6.2025

Dolls rendez-vous

7.6.2025

I was invited (or asked to come? Same thing??) to the winter edition of Drdv. However, I couldn't make it because of the Spain event being right around the corner and I got asked to come to France so late. So we agreed on me taking part of the summer edition of Drdv

So all the preparations started right after our trip to Spain. I had 2 months to make something to sell at France and it was such a short period of time when thinking of me having 1 year to make stuff to Pullip Plaza. 

I had 2 dresses left from Spain, and that was something we started with.

2 months, while working my full-time job.

It was a really massive bite to take and I didn't even realize how deeply inside a sewing bubble I was living in during that time. Jane was always pulling me back to reality, taking me outside and tempting me with ice cream...

I ended up with a solution like this at some point -> I worked 3 days of 10-hour shifts at a hair salon, which left me with 4 days a week for sewing. This didn't always work out because of my own head, when I figured out that I wanted to clean out the closet or change the whole room arrange etc XD

But it worked well enough!

And I mean...Jane was really checking up on me. They sat next to me sometimes watching their own shows/reading/helping me sew on the hook things behind the corset pieces and then said it was time to go outside to get some oxygen. Jane also cleaned my workstation with me when my own mess was too overwhelming for me and I couldn't get anything done because of it.

I was excited about this event, but it only reached to my hands 2 weeks before the event that all of the emotions got out all at once. I cried at work because of it, because it felt like I didn't have the threads in my own hands anymore. I started getting a lot of messages...mostly about the queue and when I tried to talk to the event leader, they couldn't do anything. I guess I was just freaked out that some people wanted so many of my crafts and that the atmosphere at French events is really different than what I had thought of it being (in a good way. The passion is so alive in there)

Thanks to all the visitors for respecting the queue system!🖤

I had 24 items for sale at this event, if I remember correctly? In total? I had the honor of making two of these outfits in collaboration with @snowingcreations!🖤 I am forever grateful for this, and speechless! Making collaborative outfit sets has been my second biggest dream when it comes to these crafts.

(The biggest one was that I got to be a vendor at the event)

Manuel & Raven

I decided to take these two with me to the event, since Raven is now my official travel doll and Manuel helps to calm down my anxious ass. So it was clear that these two needed to come even thought I was planning to only have one doll with me

Aaand here we are, just landed in Paris!

It felt so unreal to be in here finally haaa

At the hotel ✨️✨️

We were here at the evening on 6.6.2025, so we decided to check the location of the event in this evening so it would be easier for us to get there the next morning

7.6.2025

The event day

Ofc the morning starts with a coffee XD

The morning was calm, even thought I hate waking up early ( I am definetly not a morning person)

My table!🖤

I definitely like this table layout the most. It was much easier to put up those outfits and I had also printed out pictures of those items for sale -> so that they could be picked up later. I kept one picture per outfit with buyers information in it, and one picture went for the buyer so they could collect their purchase just by showing it!

Having them pick up their purchases later helped me clear the line faster and also allowed others who didn't buy anything to see my work. (This was specifically requested)

Or it could have helped me clear it out faster if the sudden door opening wouldn't have happened 15minutes early.

I was not ready, and got in shock by the queue that I asked from the first one on the line "what are you doing, are you allowed to be in there???" XD

Sorrry Oliviaaaaa...you were indeed allowed to be in there and now you needes to be the one who saw me at my most stressed and shaking point. I couldn't handle my body at this point and my brain freezed so hard that I did not remember anything. I had no idea how my payment machine would work out and how the picture handing would end up being like and fjfkgllg. I was a mess.

Thankfully each of the ones in the queue were so nice and patience with me that it helped me to calm down too😭🖤 dnfnfn

And biggest thanks to Jane who won their social anxiedy for this moment to help me out, making the things work out and dealing the picture thing dnfnfn

 It took me 1 hour to clear up that line and after that...I was sold out. All sold out. I still can't believe it, it feels so so so unreal fkfkgk. Like me? Selling it all? Woaaahahfbfnfkfkfk it feels so unreal that something that I make, is so loved by people🖤

My first thought was...our suitcase has now more room...to buy stuff in it XDD I kept on saying to Jane that "do you believe it? That just actually happened?"

I was able to take few pictures before the opening:

My friend Thelma had her table next to mine, and look how adorable the setting was! I had seen the sneakpeak of Thelma trying out the table setting before the event, and seeing it final too was so so so heart meltinggg.

I am still so proud of Thelma and for the fact that this was her first event 🥹🖤 she did so great haaaa

My own favorites from Thelma were the outfit that Dean is wearing and those corsets! I truly loved the shapeeee

@_elyfie_ @sewingelyfie_ 

@eienstudio.dolls

On my other side I had Deborah🖤

We knew from before too, but got really close when being nervous together about this event.

It was instant click when I met her in real life, like the connection was so strong and it felt WEIRD to be so close to someone so quickly

I do have a *small* issue with the dolls she makes...and it's the fact that I want them all....

Me and Jane don't have enough room for it because on our shelf, we have 4 rows for dolls and it's already full. Other rows are for books

These dolls weren't the only thing Deborah had for sale...:

Because loook at theeese pieces of candies! Looovedd them. Didn't manage to buy any at the event but managed to buy one after the event 😤🖤

I sucked to take pictures of the other tables but I managed to take some. More videos and pictures can be found from my highlights on my sewing instagram @sestraluna and main acc @sielujenpuutarha

@snowingcreations

I melted. These all were so so stunning and pleasing to look at. The smoothness in the makeups and each detail haaa. And can we have a moment kust to admire the whole table look? Yessss.

I was speechless in front of them and so tempted to buy each XD

In these photos there are no longer the other doll that we made as collabration, it got sold before we even got to see her irl! 🖤🥹

Jane took these photos ((I only had a video of these)) so thank you Jane for these😤🖤

@ptite_aiguille 

Soooo beautiful! Those corset pieces and armors were made out of worbla. The end results were sooo smooth that I was just amazed by it!🥹🖤

@decaying._corpse 

I am mad for myself for not having other pictures from Rain than this one. But I was kind of living (drooling) on this table. I did not buy that much, because I already have like a box full of 3D printed stuff from Rain but...couldn't leave without buying atleast some...I am weaaaak.

@sombre.manoir

I have wanted to see these dolls in real life too! It was my first time seeing custom by this artist irl and it was not disappointing. I really loved how these dolls look like 🥹🖤

@1dxdolls 

This doll is one of my own all time favorite Pg's! I loved seeing it in real life and how she was dresseeedd😭🖤 So adorable!

@chieri_kira

It was lovely to see this Noidanpenska in real! It is one of Jane's favorite ones and they were so happy about seeing it too🥹🖤 it was so cute😭🖤

@meandpullipdolls 

This beauty is one of my favorites too, I love how she was dresses aswell and how the owner shows the best out of this doll!🖤🫂 I could have stealed her with me...XD

Emersyn & Tabi

@bagherra.dolls Baguette 

*DEAD*

Nothing else to say, bye

@hime.pullip 

Heartstopping Ange 😭🖤

She was absolutely stunning. One of my faves too XD I loved to see evert detail of her and hold her in my arms 🥹🖤

@hirohirodolls

Look how cute this beauty is!🥹 I think the wig matches her makeup tones so well haaaa🖤

 @poupee_numerique

Stunning, gorgeous, handsome

Haaaaa

And how much I love to see my made clothes on your dolls 😭😭🖤 

My heart was melting for real. And Allana even came to show me Chanel with her new dress after this flfkgkck

Like pleaaaseeee

I'm meltingggg 😭🖤

@pumpkin_dolls 

Brought this cutie and how much it made me crave black haired Noidanpenska 😭🫠🖤

(Yes I have one but I think I need more)

More of this beauty which melted mine and Jane's hearts completely! Jane was so stunned that they only stared at this doll in quiet and whispered to me

"I really love this one" XD🖤🫂

 @meandpullipdolls Emersyn...yes...she is my child now if you didn't knew

Stolas from Shadiuntremens (yes...this is the only pic I got out from this dude. I was just admiring the makeup)

 I was in heaveeeeen✨️

It wss the cutest thing ever because someone (I don't remember who because I didn't look at her face) took my hand and asked me to come check "something that you will like"

(I do have my quess on who this was but I am not sure)

And I definetly loved it XD🫂🖤

@Mailurus.pullip

@Moonshine_dolls  

@Chieri_kira

@Ag_poupz

@Droopy_girls

@Meandpullipdolls

(And thank you @meandpullipdolls for helping me out to reconize all the owners of these dolls. I suck at remembering them even thought I remember the doll faces xnckckgkg. And she is like a pro at knowing where every Poisongirl belongs to)

@_elyfie_ Dean

DEAAAAAAAAAN

And finally I got to see my man, my love, Dean. I have no words. He is the most amazing thing ever HAAA.

@roseaccursed 🖤🫂

(I have more pics of these beauties shown later on this post)

@shadiumtemens Carmila...

Which one was more Deborah, the doll or the monster can?

Deborah survived doing the dolls to this event just by living with monster drinks...

Thelma's stunning Oscar! 

These pics are taken by Jane who is team Oscar

(I am team Dean, ok)

@ritsuey  @shadiumtremens 🖤🫂

And the event come to an end!🖤

Ok ok let's go and check what I bought from this event:

Let's see if I remember to show it all

For me and Jane. Thise chest pieces I took for Jane even thought I have been borrowing the star shaped one

I bought these for Jane because Jane never bought stuff for themselves XD they just walked around and liked stuff but didn't buy any...

Daggers for Jane! We did have some at home too already, but I felt like these were meant for Jane.

Those antlers/horns I bought for myself impulsively because I have 0 self control when seeing stuff like that. (Jane looked me badly and told me not to buy more....)

This outfit was not an actual purhace, because Thelma gifted itt o me 😭😭😭 I wannaa cryyyy. It was clearly meant for Raven. I mean...loook😭🖤

There was no chance, that I could have walked out there without her.

I saw the pics of her the night before the event and she got stuck in my mind. I was hesitating on buying her at first because of the fact that she is so different from my other dolls...but nope, I couldn't walk out without having her.

She is Enyo, Manuel's mom 🖤

Look. At. Her.

This doll hit me hard. Like really hard.

I don't usually see dreams of dolls, but with this dude...it came to my dreams 2 times. Both of the times were me buying it.

I was so sure that I wouldn't be able to have him, but magical things happen and this dude came to me 😭🖤 I feel so thankfull fnfnfkfkf

He is Sulhas 🖤

Akka & Raven 🖤 

This couple is my ride or die XD

I love them in a point that I think them often. The dynamics, desings, everything.

They live in my head rent free all the time as badlt as Miracle and Licìa do dnfkxk

Akka came home at the event day, even thought he was not bought from there. I took (secretly from Jane) commision spot for Jane from Snowings, and ofc I needed to tell Jane about it because I suck at keeping secrets AND I wanted Jane to desing the whole look for the dream doll they were about to have🖤🫂

More of her because she is absolutely a Goddess

Looooove themmm

And that face mask is from Thelma! I lovedddd them too a lot ;-;, thank you for letting us have thoseeeeee

We had small break at hotel before heading out again. We checked our stuff, took a shower and left

And we left to meet our friends🫂

Thank you for inviting us to spend time with you all hey

Had a chance to admire more of these beauties from Rose🖤🤍

S.T.U.N.N.I.N.G.

Jane tried bubble tea the first time in here, but took it without the bubbless...XD so basically just reaaally sweet tea.

We spend sooooo long in here, so when we started to walk back to hotel - the clock must have been around 3 atleast. I fell in our way back XD like actually fell on the ground, and took pretty nice touch with the ground. I hit my hand that badly that I didn't manage to open yogurt in the morning (I did not broke anything, so that's fine)

And walking did hurt my back the next day.

I can't thank enough for the people I got to have to my life in here. I haven't felt that seen and understood so easily in a long time🖤

I usually struggle to actually bond with people even thought that I get along really easily with people. But like that serious bonding where you don't need to even explain yourself but they get you - omg. Thank you for that 🫂🖤

Then our Paris trip continued, but not so doll relatedly, even thought we did go and took pics in here aswell! 

And I kept admiring the dolls in the hotel room everytime I had a chance lol

I was able to NOT drink energy drinks for the past six months before this. I blame you Big D

And after that I drank them pretty often BUT now I haven't taken any in such a long time again??? I don't remember when I had the last one 

I was melting and Jane was freezing...

Idk how that is even possible but it is XD

Jane was so confident that day that they will not take a jacket....and ended up borrowing hoodie from their dad

This museum stuff was amazing and those miniature worldbuild desings reminded me of LOTR. I remember that me and my brothers used to build like a worldmap, but glue rocks and mosh etc to this giant board and we played there. Like a roleplay but our own one

Of course we needed to see the Eiffel tower...

Whole this time in my head there was playing the opening theme of Miraculous Ladybug XD

I love that show

Must do a shoe pic

And more of this couple.

 Like...how can you NOT love them?

My phone is full of pictures of these two but I let it be because it's bare minium in this case

Extremely good waffle, I had ice coffee and Jane had some kind of smoothie drink?? I'm not sure

But finally coffeeeeee from somewhere else than those instant coffee machines

Here we did took some doll pics! I will throw some in here that I manage to finddd:

And this one was taken in a place nearby too!

It was like 30°c...and Jane was...well you see

Cute coffeeeeeee

And then let's jump to somewhere else!

Disneyland

You guys have no idea how badly I have wanted to visit Disneyland. I have been watching so many videos of the rides at there, pictures etc. It was a must visit place and I looved itt🖤

Jane mocked me because I keep on taking pics of them from the back. But how could I NOT take pics when they looked so cute with the bowwww

And everytime I took pics from the front, they did hide sooooo

Expect in this one!

"Carousel!! We have to go to a carousel :<" - Jane

Pirates of the caribbean

This place was closed because they were doing some work for the place

Indiana Jones

I was so close to buy Woody to come home with me. I remember dreaming of having him too as a kid (my brother had Buzz lightyear)

It actually smelled like strawberries! I would have bought it if I wouldn't be so sensitive to scents. 

I even got allergy spots(???) from our hotel sheets because of the stuff that they use to clean them. 

At first I was like "IF IT'S ANY KIND OF BUGS, I WILL BURN MYSELF"

I hate bugs, so much that it's not even funny XD

I've had this scents allergy thing since I was a kid but didn't knew what it was until later on

Jane was getting pissed of and moody because they were so hungry at this point. The worst part is, they don't realize it themselves so when I suggest them to eat something -> they are just mean to me XD I know that happens so I am like "yeaaah...do you need a hug?"

Next up was some kind of ride. The queue were the longest one for this one, like 30minutes?? Other than that we didn't need to wait for anything more than 15minutes.

I wanted to do this ride because of the suggestion of my friend. She told me that Raven looked like this bride, when I had her dresses up fully white and veil on her

Must admit that she was correct !🫂🖤

Lovelovelove

Dragonnn

That was living. It was moving and making noises (sooo amazing)

The Cars movie place was closed, but we still managed to find places that were from that movie! 

And here are themm:

Jane was making some excited creature voices while seeing these. It is one of their favorite movies so...yep

Disneyland coffee, ofc

The final show was *amazing*

I KEEP USING THAT WORD SO MUCH BUT HHHHH

I loved all the colors, the tale they told and how it indeed gave a piece of magic to all of us. Or more likely, remindes us all for the magic we already have within us 🖤

The final show was really late at night, so one of use did fall asleep in the metro. I am not gonna say names, but it wasn't me so you can guess

This place was so beautiful in so many ways that I needed to get a picture in here. So I took ones of Raven 🖤

Raw versions from camera and then :

Not edited camera pictures aswell 🖤

I had a mocktail and Jane had cocktail

(Just had a stop in here to use the bathroom but we needed to buy something to be allowed to use it)

And then we jump to different location:

London

It was one day visit there, and mostly to look at the places around. So lots of walking XD

Big ben

Shoe pic

The day after the trip to London was so hot in France that I don't even have any pictures from there XD It was a really chill day otherwise. We mostly went around the clothing stores and watered Jane fully in the water stops around Paris.

Jane is like a flower that wilts in too hot weather and needs refreshment all the time

Byebye France, see you again🖤