Hearthache

 Xadrian

I felt too much at that point. 

It felt like someone would have been keeping tight hold on my heart, just not too much so it wouldn't stop beating. It hurts like hell. Burns more than fire ever could burn on my skin.

Yet I don't do anything about it. I feel it. I allow myself to feel it. I have to...otherwise the feeling eats me alive rather than anything else.

I'm scared. That I will stay alone now. In a crowded room, where I only look for you.

Because to me, it was a mistake. Huge mistake to let you go. But I know it was for you that I let you be happy. With someone else. With someone who you think is the right one because you have to mske it to be the right one. Right?

I let you go. While I hurt in silence. While you smile and laugh, while you live your stupid lige happily out there and not caring about me or my feelings. You crossed the line, you knoe you did. You crossed it in so many times and now you seek mistakes in me. I know I'm not perfect, but do you know that you are not perfect either? You also hurt people you love with your actions and still keep in doing it. You fucking hurt me with your actions. You still do, and even when you are not *mine* anymore, it still hurts that you do it in front of my fucking eyes. Are you blind? Or don't you just wanna see how fucking rude you are? How you can be a villain too. Not just me and my mistakes and how I react to the behaviour of yours. 

I see you. First time ever, I see you. I see how bad you can be, how little you could ever love me. I was nothing to you. Yet you were everything to me, you were my reason to wakeup and see another day. You were the reason for my smile and everything I ever do.

And I still love you. You don't deserve it. You don't deserve that I forgive you but I still do. Because to me you were everything even when it hurt like burning hell.

Nothing at all

Xadrian

To me, it wasn't that simple. I felt the pain inside my ribcage and it did burn me alive. I was craving to see you, despererly trying to get even smallest amount of your attention. I cried. I cried a lot. I crashed out. And at the same time you just were in someone elses arms? You did not care for me, don't say otherwise. Your actions tells more than those empty words you keep giving out of your mouth. If you'd care, you would have been here. You would have contacted me in some way and arranged time to meet me. But you didn't. You cut me off like I was nothing to you.

And that's what you will become to me. Nothing. I will not care, I will not wait anymore. I truly see you now. I see how selfish you are. I see how you imagine world spinning around you only. I see how you changed within a blink of an eye.

And I know that you will be back. The difference just is that I won't be waiting for you anymore. I won't be keeping the door open for you, and greer you with a smile. I will lock the door. I will keep you out this time. I do not want you in my life anymore, to just see and feel how you hurt me over and over again.

I know who you are.

I know this new version of you too.

And I don't wanna know you anymore.