My, mine. Not yours.

 Naseria

I stare at the board while teacher tells us all the stuff we need to learn. I don't hear anything what she's saying at this point. I keep on playing with my earrings and think about the phone my teacher had took away.

I can't focus. I feel how my hair feel itchy in my neck. I try putting it up. But my shirt feels like it chokes me at this point too. I correct the placement of it. It's hard to stay still. And my phone is still somewhere where I can't get it, it's my stuff thst is out of my reach. I keep on hearing the clock. I hear how someone moves in theit chair and how someone breathes way too loudly. 

I try to breathe in, and breathe out. Focus, okay? Focus. I keep on saying that to myself, but I can't.

*skip*

Like that wasn't bad enough? Yeah. I come home and someone has touched all my stuff. Visited in my room. And the stuff is not in the right places. Someone has taken my blanket, even my pillow. No,  I can't just take new ones. Those were mine. I can't stand it.

I go to my mom and hold the tears in. "Why my blanket is not in my bed? What else has been taken? Where are them?"

And I get yelled at. How I can't never share anything with my siblings or my mom. I get yelled over again and again. I hate it. But I hate even more the fact that my blanket and pillow wouldn't smell the same when I would get them back. They would smell different. Someone else. And even if I washed those, they would still smell different.

No. I can't do this today. I breathe in.

I have been told to go to my room after I said no to have "family quality time". That shit is the most terrible thing ever. Sleeping in this "sisterbed", meaning in the floor with other, nope. Never. 

I sit in my room. The feeling doesn't go away. I feel so bad. Why people take my stuff without asking? It would be different if they asked? No it wouldn't, but it still would be more nicer than all this.

"I go out. Bye" and I leave right away with my phone and headphones. I always wear those. Even when there is no music playing. It helps me focus out more. Focus on other than my own thoughts.

I go out. I go for a walk. In this flower garden? Arboretum. 

There are people in here, but voices are not as loud as at my home. I have many siblings and they are noisy, among with other stuff such as TV, fridge, clock and others.

I sit to the grass, watching how light touches the water. How it shimmers. How it calms me. And allows me to breathe again. And again. Slowly I start to feel like myself again....

The feel

 Licìa & Miracle

I look at him. I see the pure feelings in his eyes, those ones that shakes the whole body. He is terrified of something, someone...

I rub my eyes again, trying to see if there is someone in this dark room. Stars and moon brings light in here, and other than that...there is coming warm light under the door.

"There is no one...here is just us" I'll try to say to calm him down. I hug him, try to het him stop feom shaking, but I can feel how his body is hard. He is ready to fight to survive.

"I have to check. I don't remember how we falled a sleep. I need to go check. Stay here" he says to me, with the voice that no one could say against on. 

"Promise me you'll stay, Licìa" he says again, when I don't answer to his talkings. I think we should just go back to sleep and that he doesn't remember falling a sleep, because he was so tired...

"I promise" I whisper. And then he just leaves, lefting me to wait here. And I don't even know where he is going. I bite my lip and grap my satin bathrobe. I go the the hallway, and start to check where he went. I can't see him anywhere around me.

Dear diary

 Naseria

I feel like time runs past me, I stay still and can't get hold of anything or anyone anymore.

It all feels too much, I feel too much.

I don't know where to go, what to do or even what to say.

It falls apart.

I fall apart.

I-

Please. I seek for help....can someone stop the world for a sec. Can someone just take my hand, and let me know it will be okay again?

I can't see clearly, not in this darkness. Is it even dark or just blurry? Or is it too bright after all these years?

 My brain is blurry. I am. The vision of me is, my future is.

It feels like the chaos is all around me. 

I can't breathe.

I try again. I try, try and try. 

I can't do anything. So I just watch how it all falls apart to these small pieces that causes wounds to my skin.

Do you see me? Do you know me?

How?

Because I don't. I don't know who I am.

Minä

Naseria

Minä en ole mitään.

Mitään sellaista, mitä sinä ajatuksiesi valtameressä olet kehitellyt. Maalannut kuvia ja vääristänyt totuuksia.

Minä en ole mitään.

Enkä koskaan tule olemaankaan mitään sellaista, jota sinä niin hartaasti toivot vääriltä Jumalilta tämän kuolevan maan pinnalla.

 En ole mitään sellaista, ja se on ainoa asia jonka tiedän itsestäni. Tiedän mitä minä en ainakaan ole, vaikka avoimeksi jää kaikki se mitä minä oikeasti olen.

Sillä vaikka en ole mitään mitä sinä toivot, minä olen yrittänyt olla. Toivonut vääriltä Jumalilta, maalannut itseäni vääristyneillä väreillä ollakseni jotain sellaista, mitä sinä uskottelet minun olevan.

Minä en ole mitään.

Movie

Naseria & Neith

(Kauno & Kulta included)

I lay on the sofa, my feet are in Kauno's lap and I scroll my phone while the second movie starts in TV. We had already eaten all the chips while watching the first movie. It took us like 15minutes and it was all gone. As usual with this group.

I smirk all by myself while texting with my therapist. 

- I saw you and Katherine at the mall today. Go and get it tiger! ;)

- Do not talk to me that way, baby boy

He always calls me with pet names when it's just the two of us. I don't know what others think about it and I never want to know. I don't want it to be ruined.

"Who are you talking to?" Kauno asks curiously and tries to see what I just read.

"To Neith. Nothing important. I just told him that I saw him and Kat" I say and laugh a bit. I take better position now and keep chatting.

- Other than that, how are you?

- We are watching movies with Kulta and Kauno. We just started Twilight, the second film :p My cigarettes are over and I can't even go to smoke *crying*

- Ah you just made my evening even better with the fact you can't go and ruin your lungs. When are we having meet up?

I think this longer. He means my therapist sessions, where we talk about me and not about him. Even thought sometimes I get a chance to ask him questions, he usually is really good at turning the talk back to me.

- Umm tomorrow? After school? If you pick me up. I need to go to the shop first before coming there.

- ....To get what.

I don't write the answer. I start picking my bottom lip while smiling by myself.

- I will pick you up with that deal you won't buy those. Ok?

- Fuck you are good at that. Fineeeeeeeeeee

- Good night Baby boy, see you tomorrow.

- Good night tiger ;)

I do wonder if he is actually going to sleep or is he with Katherine atm. Either way, Neith ALWAYS answers to me right away. I love that. I know I can reach for any kind of answer if needed. One time, I was in new medication, and we went out with friends, I didn't knew if I could have a sip of this cocktail. I messaged Neith, and got answer. He of course wasn't too happy about the fact that I would drink any alcohol, but he didn't want to force me not to. I ended up not drinking, and even texted him about it. Sometimes it feels like he actually gets happier about the fact that I follow what he says or do "good choices" because of him.

Names on the paper

Licìa & Miracle

 

"How's your name written?" I hear him ask, when he sits down to the bed again after grabbing pencil and old hotel advertising paper. He points me with the pencil, as a courage to take it to my hand, and I do take it. The paper aswell.

I write my name Licìa Kehnä .

And after I have given the paper piece and pencil back, he tries to write my name on it too.

"Why you want to learn how to write my name?" I ask with wonder in my voice.

"I know how to write my own. I figured that yours would be easy start with that base" he declares to me.

I nod. And watch while he tries to figure it out.

"Kehnä is my last name. And if you want it easier, you can just write Liisi"

He glance me quickly and gives the paper back to me. I write it on it again. And once he takes them back, he tries to write it too.

"Do you want to know something about me?" I ask, since we are going to be married and he doesn't want to share anything about himself with me.

"No" he answers so shortly and so fast. I just stare at him for a while, but nod. This whole marriage felt so difficult already and we aren't even married just yet.

We had already argued today too. Before he sat down again. He got so angry at me because I asked about his moms death. His eyes were full of pure hate, but yet...he didn't felt like he would do anything else than just stare at me like that. And he did apologize eventually to me.

I somehow believed that he wouldn't be that bad person as everyone else felt like keeping him to be. I admit that he had made me cry several times, and we had known each other for couple days only, but still. I saw something...more in him.

I look at him while he writes in the paper. Again...again...and again. He clearly enjoys writing, even when he doesn't know how to write well or even read at all. His mother had died before he even could have the chance to teach all that. An he didn't tell me anything about his father, expect that he wishes he is dead by now.

My own parents died in a burning house before I was put on under a spell that made me sleep for 6 years, in a glass coffin. Under the deep ocean. I don't really remember much what happened on that day, when everything went down fall. All I do know, is that the man I was supposed to marry, is in love with someone else and now I'm engaged to this chihuahua with an attitude problems.

14 hours before:

"We are not going there. That is not a hotel" I try to say when he grabs me from my elbow and starts to lead us in to that place of sins and half naked people. I have never been there before and it wasn't in my bingo card for this year either.

"Would you like me to perform you own private show at the hotel then?" He smirks. I know he isn't kidding even thought he covers it in those smirks and smiles and amused voices.

"Oh dear Lord, no. Fine. We go there" I roll my eyes and let him lead us in. 

The lights are red, and here is a lot more warmer than outside. It's crowdied all over the place. I see people in colorfuk bikinis and lot's of shimmering clothing pieces while Miracle leads us in to a table.

"What you want to drink?" He asks while looking around. He feels more like excited than worried. I'm worried.

"I don't think they have anything warm, like coffee or tea?"

"I don't think so either" he answeres and still orders something for both of us when worker of this olace walks past us. I have no idea ehat he orders, and I don't even know the names.

"Oh my God" I might give a little scream, when I cover my eyes. I can't believe what I just saw. Can I have salt or soap for my eyes?

"I saw someones naked buttcheecks" I wishper in a shock. And he starts laughing.

I move my fingers just a little bit to see his face. He actually looks like it was funniest thing he has ever heard. Atleast coming from me. He laughs so much that he starts to cough while doing so. I love the fact that he is enjoying his living, even thought it needed that I saw something unwanted.

"How come you are going to be married if you get in a shock over that?" He asks me amused.

I roll my eyes. "I do not wish or plan to see you naked either" 

It was the first time I saw him actually have fun, heard his laugh. I think...it was the moment I started to fall for him...

Reason to see the other day

 

Naseria & Neith

Oh how badly I wanted it all to just end. All the fucking voices in my head, all the voices coming from others mouths. It feels so frustrating to just wait, and the fact that I do not know if the waiting will ever help. I quess, for the moment it's the only thing I can trust on because I had made promise.

Naseria, 15 years old.

I sat down to the same chair that I had used to come sit and talk with my theraphist. Well..almost. This is new room, new theraphist and I would have to tell my story all over again. I hated it, I hated the fact that I needed to tell everything to each of these so called professionals, and it never helps. They just keep on sending me to a next one when they come up with the fact that they can't help me at all. 

I look at the man that is supposedly my therapist. Long black hair that is holded on ponytail, lifeless eyes and pale face. And that's not even only weird thing that there is with him,  he doesn't look at me or even come up with loaded questions. He just continues drinking his coffee.

And then he asks, "What kind of music you listen to?". I stare at him. How does my music taste tell anything about how my mind works?

"Umh...I don't know. Punk? Kind of mix of everything. I go with the flow I quess?" 

He nods. Just nods? No. He opens his mouth.

"If I put this song on, is it okay with you?" He asks, and puts on some music. Music while in therapy? Okay...and I reconize the song. Fall out boy, thnks fr th mmrs.

I rize my brow to him. He smiles.

And that's what we do on my first gime at his office. Listen music. And I end up suggesting my own favorites.

It's strange, because when I leave from there, I do feel better. I do not regret sharing why some songs were my favorites and which ones I listen when I'm sad or angry. He did it so well that I didn't feel like I was forced to talk.

---------

Naseria, 17 years old.

I still visit the same therapist. I go to the office and go like, "You will never believe what happened at school today".

I open up about everything with him. He is like a big brother that I never had. He gives me advices, listens, and even let's me ask questions about him and his personal life. It's like we have a connection. He is not just a stranger to me that knows all my problems. I know about his too. He suffers from depression and is really bad workaholic. We sometimes go for coffee, and I know that he has a crush on his coworker but he doesn't make a move. I have tried to courage him to do that but he is just too shy on lovelife things. I joke to him that I'm his ambassador of love, and he rolls his eyes with smile on his face everytime.

I do not know what I would do without him or if I wouldn't have ended up in his office when I was younger.

-----------

I call him. I call my theraphist Neith, late at night. I cry when he answers. I cry way too much, and he asks where I am. Nothing else. He asks where I am, and 30minutes later he comes and picks me up. Firstly he hugs me really thightly when he sees me, and I drop my backpackoff my shoulder.

He still doesn't ask. 

He doesn't ask, cause he knows I will tell him eventually.

I hug him back. Of course I do. I also cry and wet his jacket with my tears and snot. He doesn't care. He rises his hand to my hair, starting to stroking my hair. He doesn't say anything. But it's enough. He is here and holds me while my whole world has shattered to pieces.

It even rains. How dramatic it all feels.

"Veetu doesn't want to be friends with me anymore" it feels like end of the world to me. Veetu has been my best friend since kindergarden. 

"Sshh...it's okay...I'm sure you two can talk it out later. You both just need time" he comforts me. But I know we won't get this solved. Veetu now has a boyfriend, and my mom got involved to this whole situation. My mom had called to Veetu and poisoned his mind with lies.

I cry. I cry more. 

I feel like it will never end.

The next morning, 10.47 am

Neith had brought me to his apartment. I slept in a sofa, and slept really deeply too. 

My eyes are swollen from all the crying that I had went through. It hurts my head like I would have bunshed it to the wall over and over again. I feel like my whole body had been crying over the whole thing. Or atleast been hit by a train.

And I feel like crying again, when I reach my phone and open whatsapp. I see that Veetu has blocked me. I go on insta, and see the same thing. I share some music to my stories there and put the phone away. I usually share music to show how I feel. Specially when I feel bad. I don't think anyone knows it actually, atleast no one has ever cares enough to come and ask me about it. Veetu had. Bur now there will be no one who is going to ask that stuff from me.

"Morning sunshine" Neith mocks me and brings coffee to the table. I know it's mocking because I do not feel like sunshine at all, and I know I don't look good.

"It seems you had good night sleep, huh? You snored and talked in your sleep" his smile is amused.

"Oh God. Please tell me you are kidding" I laugh and rise to sit. I take the coffee. The very first sip is always the best one. And so it is now too. Even better.

"I wish I would. The sofa got really hard ride I quess" he smirks, I hear how amused he is. And I get so red by knowing that and remembering what I dreamed about. Oh no...

I laugh. And he laughs too.

"It's okay. No need to worry, I won't say a word to anyone" he promises with smile on his face.

"Thanks" I say and shake my head. I touch my hair. It points to every possible direction because of the sleeping. I pull my hood over it.

"Drink it and come eat. I will make porridge for us" he says before leaving back to the kitchen again.