I would rather burn

Lavender & Arabella

The world burns.

Not just around me, but everywhere. The flames gets higher and the smoke gets thicker. It fills up my lungs, making it harder to breath. I still try to. I try to see the world around me, and the exit from all of this. The smoke makes my eyes water, it burns in my eyes and in my throath. I cough couple times and lose the focus of my eyes again, everything goes blurry and almost dark. 

While I fall to my knees, the ground is only thing that feels colder. Falling aches my knees and arms, but it's the smallest thing I'm worried right now.

I rise up again and try to run, only to try and cover my face from getting burnt by flames.

Fuck.

I was like locked in a cage made from flames. I hear someone screaming, far away from me. I hear how something crashes, and falls to the ground. Making a loud noise and get the dusk move around.

I cough more because of it and sguint my eyes while trying to see what it has been.

Seiling. Part of the seiling had fallen. Oh dear Lord. I look up when I hear some more scartching and manage to run away just seconds before the seiling drops off. I, of course, fall all over again. It hurts a lot more this time, makes my bones ache.

Someone craps my hand and starts to make me run with them. I don't see who they are, because I try to get the dust away from my eyes while running.

We enter through one door, and...wait. This is not a place where we should have ended up when going through that door. I fall down to my knees and start coughing. It hurts my lungs and throat now. The snow feels so cold on my knees and the frosty air feels like spikes inside my lungs. But thank all the Gods and odds in this world that it's air. Fresh air.

Now I see the man that had rescued me. I hate him. And not just for the fact that he had saved me. I didn't nees saving from *him* .

"I didn't need any help, just so you know. I had it under my control" 

He rolls his eyes while smirking. Asshole. And he doesn't even bother to answer me about that.

"Come or you'll freeze to death instead of burning from alive" he says and starts walking away.

That stupid selfish man who should learn some manners for God shake. 

I rise up and start walking behind him. I didn't have any shoes on, neither any socks. So he is correct on the freezing to death part if I just stay here.

"Where the fuck we are even going now? We are middle of the nowhere" I try and ask, coughing more after that. And he stays quiet. Again.

Do you understand now why I hate this man?

Traveling in my thoughts

Naseria

Needing the calmness that was already there, but never shown, is whole new and different kind of path to travel around. Specially when it shows it to you only at the night time, when you were supposed to be asleep, but you end up healing something that was left as broken in tiny sharp pieces like never before.

I stare at the roof while hearing how the clock keeps it's soft smooth sound. It does sound the same everytime I hear how the seconds runs to be turn into minutes, minutes rolling to be hours.

The sleepyness was there, but my mind kept on going on circles. Circles that were so uneven, small and big ones. From the past, present and some even for the future.

I ran my fingers through my scalp while closing my eyes. I see the thoughts now. Like memories that were turned into a movie or serie, now showing it all to me. Making me live those moments, in those thoughts. In something that could have happened, but never did or something that happened and now it repeats it to me until it makes me some sense at all.

Most of the time the thoughts doesn't make any sense at all to me, not even single tea spoon amount of sense. Well, how could they if my own way of functioning doesn't always quite make any sense at all to me. I still try to find that red line which could lead me to solve the mysteries, untangle the small knots that reminds me of how I used to tie my shoes before running so they wouldn't open while doing so. It was always impossible to get them open fastly after that, atleast I didn't fall because oh my shoe laces being open or too long.

That reminds me of the red running field that left my hands a bit red too when it was wet after the rain. How it did smell dusky and rubberish st the same time, but it was warm. How I would lay on it after running so fast that it made my whole body hurt, made the breathing harder and taste like blood in my mouth.

Oh and how that reminds me of the gray sky that was showing that day when I met my best friend for the first time.

It's funnt how the sky and natufe never adjust to the feelings we have inside us. It's nothing like in the movies. Because whenever I'm extremely happy, the weather and sky looks like it's about to cry. But when I'm about to cry or feel bad, the weather is so sunny, warm like soft blankets. Maybe nature shows us the best of it when we feel sad, because it's trying to cheer us up but it doesn't need to do that when we already feel good so it's kind of sleeping or something close to that?

Do people feel sadness at the same time in same level? Like ever? Or happiness, the same kind of happiness and as hard, at the same time? I don't think so.

I have no idea what kind of wedding I would like to have. That came my mind ehen I thought about limitless happiness. It's crazy how it's supposed to be your happiest day in your life but most people stress so much over it and all of the stuff including to that, which makes them not live in a present and after the wedding is over - their stress levels has made them forgot mostnof the stuff that happenes that day. I don't want that, so maybe I don't want to get married at all. Even thought I do like flowers, like I mean those ones you put on the tables. I love how people choose different ones and it shows a bit of their personality in the middle of all that white and glamorous. Maybe I would love go get married in a farm. It would be more casual I think. But I'm not sure how I would adjust for the smell.

I hate smells. Like those ones that I'm not used to. If someone buys new parfume, it gives me headaches for weeks until I might get used to it. It drives me crazy. Oh and the smell of other people in me. Oh God how much I hate that. I need to wash it all off as soon as possible or I feel like it gets tangled up yo my insides.

Ones someone told me that when you have surgeries, some veins just gets burnt to close. Not each of them can be re-connected after cutting. And I think it's kinda crazy too. And makes me think of the fact how much veins we do have and it makes me sick. It's basically like you would be filled up with worms but it's actually just you. And how your body can just easily create more veins? Like how?

I have never broken any of my bones but I do know that if you broke your bone, you might get these "ghost pains" in winter. Like it feels like it still hurts the same. I think it's because the bone is still sensitive and feels the cold too. Which is weird because you do have skin and muscles and stuff around it. But yet, your skeleton can feel cold?

I used to think that thoughts are like documents that needs to arranged inside our minds. I used to spend time in my own mind, cleaning the papers into shelves

I want to see you

 Manuel

I want something that feels real.

Not promises that weren't kept, not just words that people slip between their lips.

Something, that's not being smoothen out.

I want you to be and come as you are, I want you to see that I am like you too. I'm not whole, I'm broken. There are missing pieces all over me. This shattered mind that I would love to share with you while we sit in the rain after you have cried your eyes out because of the past.

Because in that moment, you are more real to me than in those moments where you share lies telling you are just fine or show the perfect little life all over the internet to other people so they might and could think you are perfect. Look you with the envy in their eyes, hoping that they could have even tiny bit of what you have. But they never could, am I right? Because you don't have any of that either. It's just a scratch on the surface.

Every scartch gets deeper once you keep touching it with knives or needles. The truth needs to be diggen out. 

You might share smiles, but what are the real stories behind them? What made you fake a smile so good that others thought it's a real?

I want what's behind all that.

I want all those nights when you cried to your pillow when you had a fight with your parents.

I want you with all the bruises and broken pieces in your soul and body, that others has left behind in you.

I want you when your heart feels too heavy and mind too blurry.

Bruises heal, bones heal. So you do. You can and you will heal.

The way the others has shattered you, has molded you into something different. Something whole new. And that's okay. You are okay. You are more than just fine. I want you with all that.

Even when you are angry and you throw things, like your phone or a glass on the wall. Even when you shout me in the face, atleast that's something that you would actually feel.

I want to see and feel the happiness and love with you again. See the happy tears in your eyes when you realize that you are not alone at all and things will be just alright.

I want to see and feel your happiness when you receive something you've been so excited to receive. Something you've wanted for so long that it felt just like a dream.

I want to be able to share the days when you feel relieved to be alive or the days when nothing actually feels like anything.

The sun still rises after all the chaos you've been through.

Because I want you to feel safe and wanted just like you are now. Not in a way you would have been, or you could be molded to.

I want you to feel all that, you are allowed to feel.

I'm here, because I've been traveling same kind of path with you. Just different struggles, demons and fights. Different things making me happy and feel loved.

I've been there too. So now I'm here for you just like I would have needed someone to be there for me once.

I want *you*.

Nothing smoothen out, nothing that is so called perfect. Nothing that society has been teaching for us.

I want you as you are.

And I'm here for you as I am.

Shattered, broken in pieces. But still somehow whole enough to be. And that's okay.

Because this way, I can start to feel more. I can finally find the peace.

The more cracks there are, more doors there are open for you my sweetheart.

Sometimes all we need is ourself.

But sometimes we need someone to hold our hand during the long path.