Naseria
Needing the calmness that was already there, but never shown, is whole new and different kind of path to travel around. Specially when it shows it to you only at the night time, when you were supposed to be asleep, but you end up healing something that was left as broken in tiny sharp pieces like never before.
I stare at the roof while hearing how the clock keeps it's soft smooth sound. It does sound the same everytime I hear how the seconds runs to be turn into minutes, minutes rolling to be hours.
The sleepyness was there, but my mind kept on going on circles. Circles that were so uneven, small and big ones. From the past, present and some even for the future.
I ran my fingers through my scalp while closing my eyes. I see the thoughts now. Like memories that were turned into a movie or serie, now showing it all to me. Making me live those moments, in those thoughts. In something that could have happened, but never did or something that happened and now it repeats it to me until it makes me some sense at all.
Most of the time the thoughts doesn't make any sense at all to me, not even single tea spoon amount of sense. Well, how could they if my own way of functioning doesn't always quite make any sense at all to me. I still try to find that red line which could lead me to solve the mysteries, untangle the small knots that reminds me of how I used to tie my shoes before running so they wouldn't open while doing so. It was always impossible to get them open fastly after that, atleast I didn't fall because oh my shoe laces being open or too long.
That reminds me of the red running field that left my hands a bit red too when it was wet after the rain. How it did smell dusky and rubberish st the same time, but it was warm. How I would lay on it after running so fast that it made my whole body hurt, made the breathing harder and taste like blood in my mouth.
Oh and how that reminds me of the gray sky that was showing that day when I met my best friend for the first time.
It's funnt how the sky and natufe never adjust to the feelings we have inside us. It's nothing like in the movies. Because whenever I'm extremely happy, the weather and sky looks like it's about to cry. But when I'm about to cry or feel bad, the weather is so sunny, warm like soft blankets. Maybe nature shows us the best of it when we feel sad, because it's trying to cheer us up but it doesn't need to do that when we already feel good so it's kind of sleeping or something close to that?
Do people feel sadness at the same time in same level? Like ever? Or happiness, the same kind of happiness and as hard, at the same time? I don't think so.
I have no idea what kind of wedding I would like to have. That came my mind ehen I thought about limitless happiness. It's crazy how it's supposed to be your happiest day in your life but most people stress so much over it and all of the stuff including to that, which makes them not live in a present and after the wedding is over - their stress levels has made them forgot mostnof the stuff that happenes that day. I don't want that, so maybe I don't want to get married at all. Even thought I do like flowers, like I mean those ones you put on the tables. I love how people choose different ones and it shows a bit of their personality in the middle of all that white and glamorous. Maybe I would love go get married in a farm. It would be more casual I think. But I'm not sure how I would adjust for the smell.
I hate smells. Like those ones that I'm not used to. If someone buys new parfume, it gives me headaches for weeks until I might get used to it. It drives me crazy. Oh and the smell of other people in me. Oh God how much I hate that. I need to wash it all off as soon as possible or I feel like it gets tangled up yo my insides.
Ones someone told me that when you have surgeries, some veins just gets burnt to close. Not each of them can be re-connected after cutting. And I think it's kinda crazy too. And makes me think of the fact how much veins we do have and it makes me sick. It's basically like you would be filled up with worms but it's actually just you. And how your body can just easily create more veins? Like how?
I have never broken any of my bones but I do know that if you broke your bone, you might get these "ghost pains" in winter. Like it feels like it still hurts the same. I think it's because the bone is still sensitive and feels the cold too. Which is weird because you do have skin and muscles and stuff around it. But yet, your skeleton can feel cold?
I used to think that thoughts are like documents that needs to arranged inside our minds. I used to spend time in my own mind, cleaning the papers into shelves
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