Naseria
I don't actually reconize my own feelings. I reconize those from others, but not when they are my own. And it's quite funny because, I usually reconize every feeling from others in like seconds?
I keep shaking my hands every now and then. I wouldn't have even noticed it if Kulta wouldn't have pointed it out to me one day and now I can't get it off from my head everytime I do that. I don't know why I even do that. Maybe I try to shake the feeling away?
I breathe in and out, trying to focus on that rather than the fact that we are going for halloween party. There are going to be so many people that I don't know and even my ex best friend Veetu. He used to be my safe place, I would be so *me* while I was with him. I can nowadays be myself around Kulta too. He calms me and let's me show all of my emotions and thoughts, even thought we both know that some of my sayings are hurtful because I can't figure out better way to express them. So I just say the first thing that comes to my mind and we need to split it in different words to find out what I mean. I have no idea how he can handle that, and how I can handle the fact that I need to explain it atleast 10 times before getting it right. I need to get it right.
The truth is, he doesn't actually handle it that well. He usually keeps the first thing I said as the correct one, and keeps going back for that and asking "why did you said that at the first place if you didn't mean it that way?". I always try to stay calm, I know he doesn't do it on purpose. He just gets stuck in one thing for a while and keeps repeating that in his head over and over again.
I take my stuff, meaning that I take my bag. There is my phone, keys, charger, headphones and hair ties. And a lot of other stuff like lighter.
"Okay I'm ready to go" I say while walking to Kulta. I had oversize hoodie and pants, and only my face had paintings for Halloween. I didn't like the feeling of the makeup, it felt like a mask on my face so I probably wouldn't keep it all night. Kulta had this outfit from Scream.
"Are you trying to give me mask kink? Because that's actually working" I smirk to him, and he starts to laugh. His laugh is not annoying one. It's not too loud or too high. It feels like blowing bubbles to the water, you know? He do have other noises tho that are fu*king annoying, and he does those on purpose to annoy me sometimes. I love him still, he is my bestie.
It takes a while before we arrive to the spot. The car ride felt like forever. You know that sound cars makes? The sound when you hear the wind from outside licking the car sides and it like humms? It always get me feeling sick, like I could vomit type of sick. And the smell of the car, I don't know how to descripe it at all but it makes me feel sick too and that I want to open the windows. I don't know if it would help for the noise too...making it different you know? Not so flat noise.
And it takes a while before it goes away when I gett off from the car. I need to shake my hands again too, but I can't since our friend group is already outside and they would think it's weird, so I just try to avoid looking at somewhere else until the feeling would be gettkng away. I stare the asfalt. My shoes. And then even the lights. I try to swallow the feeling away too. Not helping.
"Everyone else will be here in few hours. Should we get in?" Zaw asks, and helps us unpack our stuff.
We are going to spend weekend at this cottage. The air is more fresh in here, and the cottage has this nice wood smell too. I like it. But I really need to get to bed and lay for a sec.
"I'm not feeling so good because of the car. I will go and rest for a sec" and I hope this is one of those times when Kulta understands. Sometimes he doesn't and wants me to do stuff right away after we get off from cars. And then he questions if I'm alright because I don't feel like talking etc.
....
I lay on the bed now. The pillows are too flat but that's why I brought my own. It's still on the bag in the car, but I would get it by night. I have my headphones on and I scroll tiktok. It somehow helps me to calm down and even takes the sick feeling away more easily.
I do hear the others talking and having fun, and even thought it feels terrible to not be with yhem now - I know it's better for me to just be here alone for a moment. I need it. Specially when I have to spend the evening in a group. I always analyse everyone else around me, their feelings and thoughts. It can be really burdensome, but I can't help it. It comes naturally. Same as that I try my best to notice everyone else and answer when they are talking, because I don't want them to feel left out.
"Heyyy, are you okay?" Kauno, my boyfriend, comes in the room and closes the door behind him. Yhank god he closes it, because the louder noise of others would have made me feel a bit exhausted again. I take the headphones off.
"Yeaah, just not feeling so good. It will go away but I need a sec" I tell him, and smile to confirm that I speak the truth. He comes to the bed with me, over me, and hugs me. I drop my phone away and hug him back. It feels good. Like one of those weighted blankets. It calms me super good. And calms all my nerves. It's really hard to descripe again, but yeah...it feels like everything will be okay. And it will, I do know it, because stuff usually have patterns that follows each other and there can't be just bad days.
"It's not about any of you, you know? When I just come in to this room and want to be alone. Or when I put my headphones on while you all are around"
I used to keep them on all the time when we met. When I was with Veetu. He would say that I kept them on because I didn't want to listen to them but it's not truth. There wasn't any music playing.
"Naseria, we know. We know you and care about you. It's okay. And I know it's little bit because of us" he laughs. I'm about to cut him off and explain that it's not about them at all.
"Like dude, have you hear how loudly Zaw eats?" He keeps laughing. And I start to laugh too. Okay so he meant that. It was a joke. It's good sometimes that I'm not that fast at reacting to things or that I don't speak over all the time. I do that too a lot, and not in a purpose or anything!!
"Veetu and Manuel are not coming, but Haftka is coming with Douglas" he tells me too. And I'm just happy that it will be just our friendgroup. Even thought I don't really like Douglas but he makes Haftka happy so...
.......
We start by playing board games. I scroll my phone while listening the rules, because I can't focus on them even a bit if I don't do something else at the same time. And I learn the best when we just start playing the game.
We play that couple of times, I lose in each. And I lost my interest to it too a while ago. I scroll my phone again, and my ears just shut down. I don't follow up the convos. It's good actually, because I don't like to do that all the time. I go to this bubble of mine, where I don't reconize the world around me. Not the smells, noises or colors. It's like my way of settling my nerve system.
The evening goes on, I play games with others until I need to be alone and not to hear the TV all the time. So I say that I need to go change or charge my phone or something like that to get away from here without sounding rude. I see how Kauno glance me, he knows I think. Or does he think I'm still rude?
I go upstairs, to the room where I'm going to be sleeping. I put my phone to charger and go to wash my face. I need to do it twice. And after that I need to change my hoodie because the sleeves are wet. So are my socks. I don't have any idea how people wash their faces without getting their clothes wet??
Once I'm done with everything, I go to lay on the bed again. I scroll my phone and send message to Kauno even thought he is downstairs.
- I'll go to sleep now. Night to you and others
He starts to write, I see those three dots, and then they disappear. I hear steps and Kauno comes to the room. Hug me again.
"Do you want me to come and sleep with you too? Is everything alright?" He askes and kisses my cheek. I smile. I love when he does that.
"No need to. You can still be there, but when you come back, can you hug me before going yo sleep?" I ask him and let him hug me over the blankets at the moment. He nodds. I feel it.
"And you are sure?" He asks again. Making sure that I'm actually okay with it.
"Yesss, don't worry. I was at school today too, ofc I'm tired before you all" I laugh to him a bit.
He smiles and gives one more kiss before leaving. He shuts the lights and closes the door. What a dream boyfriend haaaaa.
........
Kauno comes in the room quietly and closes the door. He drops his clothes on the floor next to bed and comes next to me. He takes me to his hug. I wake up because of that. That's why I asked him to hug me when he comes to bed.
"Did you actually manage to brush your teeths?" I ask and regret that I didn't do that. It usually takes a lot from me to brush my teeths, I don't know the reason for that either like I don't know for the rest of the things I do. I blame my ADHD for it.
Kauno smiles. I see it from his cheeks even when it's dark.
"How much the time is?" I ask and jawn.
"Too much. Like four am or so. Go back to sleep" he says to me and takes me closer.
.......
The mornings are worst. The worst enemy of mine. I can't get my eyes open.
"I will let this bed swallow me" I whine to Kauno, who gets clothes on. He laughs to me again.
"Really? And how do I explain that to others? Or to police?" He asks me, and I hear how he smiles, so I know how he is smiling, even thought I have blanket covering my face.
"I don't care. I need atleast five for minutes"
"You said that 30minutes ago. Come and I will make coffee for you" he knows how to lure me.
"Fineeeeee" and when I get up, he is already downstairs. Making that coffee I hope so.
When I get to downstairs, I don't feel like talking to anyone this early. Anyone at all. I just sit quietly and follow up others talking. Kauno gives me everything, even breakfast. Looove that man, okay? I start with coffee and I could melt to this chair...
