Xadrian

 It's quiet now, between these empty walls which were once filled up with hope and laugh. Hope is terrifying feeling, because once you let it all over you - it allows something. It opens doors, it builds something inside you. Starting with something small, something you almost can't see. Small light inside you. It takes more space, it builds up more and more. Slowly, but surely. 

It's something that can be taken away. Something that hurts when it's taken away. 

That little house that has been build inside you, can be destroyed with small things. Little by little or destroyed by bomb. Is it safer to destroy it by yourself or let someone else do it? To stay little longer to see if someone does it?

I keep walking between these walls. This hall. Full of memories that allowed that hope grow inside. I look at them, admire them. But why those makes me feel like this? So empty? So afraid of something.

Deep breathe. One more.

I run a bit faster, away from that hall. And I close the door. Lock it with a key, hide it somewhere that I can't find it either. And I hope I won't find it. I hope no one else finds it either.

Xadrian

 I don't want you close. No, not at all. But I do. 

If you are close, I feel safe. But I don't. I feel anxious over the fact that I let you in. It feels like allowing you to see me, see my emotions. And then you have all the keys to hurt me. And people always do, so why I should believe you are not like that too?

So I find an spare key, to hidden door. I find the excuses, I use them. I push you away. Why I feel so empty, when I'm causing it?

I need you. You need answers, something clear. But I feel trapped. Am I trapped? Are there some cage around me that is built by you? It seems like there is.

You see me, actually do. And nothing makes me more anxious than the fact that you do. So I close one more door. Ending up being the one who hurts myself by it.

You never were the problem, I know it. I hope you do too? 

I don't want to be the problem either. The one closing the light, the spotlight. But I do hide from it. I hide from the fact that someone sees me.