Manuel

 

Manuel

They always say that my soul is pure and clean. Like first snow or clear water in the spring.

How come? I feel like I am part of the darkness and sadness that has taken over me. I feel dirty even right after shower, I feel empty when I am surrounded by people. They are full of joy and happiness. I am not. But I pretend to have, I prented that I am not staring at the roof at night and crying about everything that is wrong in me. I overthink the way I have talked, walked or even been when I haven't said anything.

I am not pure. Not clean. And my mind is not a happy place to be in. Not even when I smile.

This life has made me be covered with dirt and made me carry the pain with me through the whole life...and I carry it for others too. I am your company when you are upset because when you tell me about the stuff that is hurting - I am taking it away from you. I take it to myself so it's easier for you to breath.

I stare at my hands. I'm leaning towards the sink. Another panic attack has started to suffociate me. It makes it harder to breath and even move. I keep breathing, trying my best. But I fucking can't. The air is stuck just like this thought in my mind. 

Knocking on the door.

The door opening.

And hands around me.

It doesn't make it easier. But it makes me feel like I'm not alone.